A hug for my soul

A journey of grieving and healing after child loss

People of the Sun


Sitting at my mother’s house, I lean my head backwards so my whole face gets to bathe in the blinding winter highland sun.

UV, UVA, warmth, life’s wonders, I got some back.

The house is different, people who live in it are different, the mentality of just chilling out and doing nothing is different, all outside circumstances have changed. The young woman is grown, the mother is getting old, the youngest girl wonders why winter can be so warm, yet they are all here. People of the sun.

Some fear its power, I miss its magic.

A warm bath or shower by the water heated by sunlight like the old days smells like the rawness of nature, mixed with the mystery of its travels and those it has spoken to. It touches my skin like grandma’s rough palms, and cradles the frozen winter kidneys with its feminine force of nurture. All cleansed. Next come tears, tears of joy and release.

Lots agree that the sun represents the infinite father figure – ambitious and authoritative. I grew up in the state of sunshine, had the luck to be nurtured by its warmth into the heart and the lives it brought with to build my body strong.

Rising up with the sun brings a lovely day; Taking a nap in the mid-day sunshine melts a frozen heart; Retreating and staying put when the sun hides behind thick clouds prevents insanity; Doing your washing and letting it dry in the sun is like inviting a hundred fluffy puppies into your garden; Tea, gardening and sun-dried hair? The soul sitting comfortably at home.

In all aspects, the sun brought me up like a grandmother, a mother and a guardian goddess. She has shaped my soul to be soft and warm, she taught me to be kind yet firm, she reminds me of my true essence when I’m depressed and hopeless, she has always been sturdy, graceful, powerful and enduring. I love how feminine yet strong it has made me, I am proud that when I need to rest and reset, she has always got my back, literally with her warm hugs.

Some see her more as a seasonal vacation, an instant glow, an attempt to nature’s secrets, or a validation of leisure and luxury of time. The sun is more than that. She has always been there, quietly yet gracefully, keeping all running their courses, knowing when and where she should make an appearance or hide, lighting up pathways for the lost and providing sanctuaries for the hurt. Where she shined its light into, love awakes; where she hides, you know it is okay to just surrender, sometime soon the next sunrise comes.

When you impatiently whine about what comes next, she lovingly tells you to take one step at a time.

It is the love of the mother.

Even when you feel your mother has abandoned you, far far away behind the clouds, she is there; even if your mother no longer has a physical body, so close to your core, her light shines, her warmth lingers.


To the sun. To those who are blessed to have mothers and those who miss their mothers in heaven. To the suns which shine so bright in our hearts.

A beautiful translation of the Japji


London Pride


In London. In a ‘I gotta see it again before our London pride is forever gone’ state of mind.

Strolling around the old hood, listening to the same music.

The old pub is the same busy with grumpy lads and apologetic ‘kitchen having a nightmare’ waitress. Uber drivers have a new sense of Brexit humor and wisdom.

And I think of walls. Walls nations build to visualize differences and an unsatisfied ego. Walls we build inside crying for healing and possibilities. They don’t segregate people or love. They segregate the earthly self and the higher self, yet what everyone needs is an inward hug.

A hug of surrender. A hug of acceptance. Surrender to what is beyond your control. Acceptance of when something tragic happens, like losing a baby, it is a calling to expand with imperfection, pain and grace.

When you allow yourself to be hurt and feel defeated a little, there’s a little life in there.

When you start to live a little, there’s life everywhere.

Magical Moments


Hi from this gorgeous water.

Jumping dolphins, gliding yellow and purple, gods and goddesses hopping around the mountains, and the crystal clear ocean.

We sit there, half meditating half chatting, wondering what it would be like when the next little soul decides to enter this realm through us.

Then I felt fear. As the very first time I fell off the surf board entering the water of unknown threats. How far away are the sharp reef from my bare face? What if a shark decides to check out near shore for lunch? The board fin is way too big and sharp. The next set of waves are definitely gonna smash me onto the invisible reef soon! And where the F is my lease!

I sat there on the beach watching the rest of the team ‘struggle’ in the waves, bitching about how cold the water was and how imperfect it was to have ruined my day.

Staring into the water almost not able to breath, I then was guided to think about the first time I caught my first green wave a few years ago. That stillness of gliding back into the present, was like…the most profound meditation full of visions, and a hundred dolphins dancing in my chest. It was my very first egoistic spirituality, and my first spiritual egoism coming together.

The magical moments. He says. Every moment we had Vincent in my belly was a moment of pure wonder and joy for us all. How we made fun of his penis in the ultrasound shot, the warmth we had in our hearts painting his room blue and picking up his first toy, the whispers on my belly before bed every night, his little feet kicking my belly at musicals and stand-ups, shows and dances, laughing out jars off with friends sharing our birthing experiences, sharing with our daughter that there was life growing within our family…he is so beautifully right, we have been blessed with all those truly magical moments which we wouldn’t trade for the world. They were not up to manipulation or control, it was just as pure as how life is, just be. I guess when it comes to day to day life, child baring is more complex than just catching waves and counting magical moments, but when you really stay within the moment, there is stillness, nothingness and everything yellow and purple, dolphins and grace.

And something also fascinating: Most spiritual teaching say there is no past or future, the present is the only tangible reality. Somehow, when everything becomes magical, even the past can be revisited, and there is pure sweetness and gratitude.

Thank you all for the precious teaching and amazing energy.

The Journey Continues


Hello from the trip that continues. And happy birthday to Yogi Bhajan.









Waheguru to yourself, Stillness to the Universe


My friend S had cancer. Her medical team found it out when I was pregnant with Vincent two years ago and took all parts affected out of her. She then went through a horrendous time with chemo and conventional plus alternative treatments, I saw her suffer and wither. With Vincent in my womb gently kicking and turning around, I could not on earth imagine that my 28-year-old stunning, graceful, smart and sexy S, would never be able to bare her own kids, her beautiful breasts would be at potential risk and that she and her family had to live everyday like the last day.

Then one year later, one hour after I got into the hospital to give birth to Vincent with my favorite birthing tote, I was told the baby might not be healthy. I pushed him out as quickly as I could on the birthing bed with no thoughts yet every thought in my head, and rushed to the children’s hospital he was transferred to right after, with a river of blood gushing out of me, no thoughts yet every thought. I lived everyday in a dream, a nightmare I always checked early morning and wished were nothing but a dream during those two months in the intensive care unit.

Her cancer reoccurred in June this year after having been cancer free for a while.

Except for thinking how unfair it is, surprisingly I also think of a lot of things. I think how amazing a journey it has been and continues to be for her and all who are affected. I looked at her photos and updates every now and then, sometimes just seeing her face all lit up next to her boyfriend or her carrying herself effortlessly in a gorgeous dress with drinks in her hand made my day. I became one of her very first consulting clients, a career and passion she discovered through cancer, I spent not one second fearing how unspeakably hard her life would be with cancer, but instead feeling lifted a little and encouraged every single day after that night giving birth in the hospital. I still don’t know why her cancer came back, yet as weird as it sounds, it is a message, a beam of light, a story of love resurfacing in disguise. It is not an enemy, no devil, but one of the deepest form of self love, and somehow she so courageously chose and is capable of taking herself seriously again through this manifestation, with the people she chose, at this point of this life. I don’t know what surfaces for her this time, what unfolds in my eyes through her, is a valley full of white blossoms, and a beautiful girl dancing and indulging in grace.

As modern trauma experts say, bad things do happen to good people. And if it is so bad, that your ego mind thinks he has found an answer, which is you must have been bad to deserve something that bad. When this answer pushes all your venerable buttons and dissolves your very core, go deeper. The pain, the buttons and the identified core are the uncountable layers of your acquired thinking patterns and imprints, by allowing the pain you stroke through the layers, with the most powerful healing energy you can get: Your own forgiveness and love. They don’t stand there as obstacles unless you tell them that’s their place, they are parts of you who need to be attended, stroked and healed. The ego says no no the world has to be tangible and quantifiable so I can get started at fixing things for you, but the layers wrapping your truest essence, they won’t quiet down or at least take a break unless you at least admit they are also you, and you are also them. Your ego will do the things he is truly a master of, like getting you a hiding place in a mass shooting, or reinforcing the idea of dumping plastic into the ocean is stupid.

Let them be challenged, let them be heard, let them be shaken, let them be dissolved. Deep deep down, there’s a miraculous creature, so delicate and so shy, looking back at you. She is there patiently just being, not expecting but just loving, for you to get one step closer to her no matter if it takes one lesson, one person, one life, or hundreds of them. There must be a purpose behind or none at all, but if there’s even the slightest chance for the abundance of love and fortune through these journeys, in which you eventually appreciate the beauty of surrendering, through which you eventually awake to the truth that you are your ultimate abundance of love and fortune, that you are your true protector and child. If this time you didn’t manage to, you are so patient and forgiving, that you have always agreed to work on that specific topic again, through different people and circumstances at the right time until you dive a tiny bit deeper, you have always allowed yourself to travel back to God’s arms and come back to this realm to repeat those tasks – I mean, experiences to feel the fullness of you. The universe always has your back, no matter sometimes on the surface how hopeless the situation is or how unfair fate seems to be. It has never changed its mind or moved places, just being, as the stillness you are able to experience once you fully surrender, one split second of Nirvana, gazillions of centuries of love.

I call that waheguru, I call that humanity.

So next time when you wish or pray, say Sat Nam, my true identity; Say waheguru, my miraculous soul. Health, relationships, money, reproduction, protection, you came with them already but didn’t get to them most of the time.

To S, to my goddess ladies who gave me unlimited inspirations to dance, sing, cry, love and create. To mom, I know what’s written above is channeled through you. To my miraculous soul and layers.