A hug for my soul

A journey of grieving and healing after child loss

When I’m with me, I’m with him

0

My grief partner lit my gloomy heart up with this simple observation.

It is not like a language exchange program where you giggle away your imperfect pronunciations in Korean, grief group work is like being Prometheus plus having to lift ginormous stones from a rocky valley which you declared a meadow your whole life. The space you are able to reclaim and the growth which wets your eyes are profound, because grief hits like massive waves unexpectedly, especially when you are already dreadfully wet and cold.

What I have discovered is, the unexpected waves no one has dared to surf contains more than just energy generated by the water work, there’s much more.

Sometimes it storms in as a misspoken feeling which was manipulated into a belief that an out-sourced emotion has much more on us than the other way round; Sometimes it is a soup of everything self-punishing which all humans use as a pathway to the, wait for it, illusion of entitlement and deserving; Sometimes it’s the voice of your aunt shushing ‘don’t talk about it’. Debris of your certain beliefs like to dive and surf and smash you, lurking around while disguised as grief, or sometimes they just hide themselves so well that you feel so entitled to blame grief itself.

What is the essence of grief? What took the joy out of my face today was the thought of ‘I should have spent more time in the hospital with Vincent’, so, separation. I grieved for the rest of my days, hours, minutes and seconds which I could have also spent sitting next to his incubator with him on my chest, or changing his diaper and cuddling those tiny feet, while he was still alive. Instead, I was not there with him all the time. I went for walks, I took my daughter to picnics in that summer, I spent time with my family, I got shit drunk with my husband. I felt like the worst mother.

Our conversation guided me to some space I refused to see.

I believed I needed to be more than the best version of me to handle that event and take care of everyone and everything, yet I allowed myself to be taken care of by everyone and everything, including my dying baby. With a false belief I blamed myself for allowing that to happen, but when I truly looked back, it was how it was supposed to be – I’m here to be me, not God. I’m not here to fix or juggle everything, even death, but to be human, and to experience the out-of-control love through that profound loss.

I feel truly centered and whole, deserving and grateful. The part I thought has been lost, has never been so vividly present, like being surrounded by hundreds of white butterflies with my loved ones on a remote Japanese island.

When I’m with me, I’m with him. There has never been any separation. Not when I had him in my belly, not when I was sitting next to him, not when I stood a thousand miles away from his grave.

Guan Yin says, separation is not eternal, togetherness is.

It is a choice. We came here with free will, every moment of our lives we are making choices, even by not making a choice is a choice.

When you choose to be present and grounded but not to indulge in self pity or entitlement, not to seek shelter in the belief of self sabotage or others’ misery, when you finally allow your true essence to unfold, no one has left and never will. Togetherness and oneness is our nature.

And be compassionate because it takes time and courage. You are here to be human, not Guan Yin.

With the current event happening to mankind as a whole, each and every one of us is experiencing the upheaval individually. Those feelings are created by ourselves within our experiences and imprints, you always have a choice to be with yourself, because that is the only way to be together with others, love together and grow together as a whole.

A Full Moon Wish

0

Hi everyone, thank you for visiting this corner of my heart on this month’s full moon.

I’m starting a new round of Sadhana and meditation to pray for China and those who are affected by the coronavirus which is ongoing despite the attention is diverted to other parts of the world, and each and every one of us who are inevitably intertwined as a whole, be it you worrying about grandma who probably might not survive it, be it you swearing in the gym over your cancelled Milan trip, be it you fighting for the last toilet paper roll in Woolworth.

It lasts for at least 40 days, begins with a set of kundalini Kriya (you don’t have to practice kundalini yoga if you are not into it, some breath work would do), and is followed by a meditation with or without Mandra of your choice.

Feel the space around, and watch the universe’s messages and wisdom unfold.

I wish you a lot of gentleness and mercy within and towards the world we live in.

A Life Purpose

0

My kundalini teacher told me her purpose in this life is to wake those beautiful souls up from their confusion and to guide them into taking a glimpse of their purposes. My meditation teacher said bringing healing into people and to perhaps make those who are gonna press the Third World War Button think twice is her calling. They are both two goddesses totally at ease with their being, after a rebirth through their practice.

I often wonder what my purpose is in this life.

Perhaps it is getting a bit clearer almost two years into my journey of child loss, and thirty two years into this life.

I often thought by losing Vincent as a baby who was hooked to beeping machines in the ICU was a blessed purpose of mine in this life. I got to be with him exclusively, watch his pain closely, go through the hurt and despair, learn to surrender and let go, appreciate the tangibility and preciousness of life, shed my illusion of control, celebrate his arrival and departure, treasure the goodbye we both manifested, and love what is.

I still think it is a blessed purpose of mine from him and the universe, but instead of regarding it as an individual sector of the whole human experience, I have came to realize all stated above is life as humans, is our whole purpose. Just as if lots of spiritual teaching say babies like Vincent who came into the world just for a very short time or with severe disabilities are very advanced souls, or with this unique and brave choice of life they advance drastically into another level of awareness or afterlife. Well, there’s no way of finding that out yet for me, and it eventually gets you lingering and hoping for an afterlife and incarnation whilst all we can feel with lies in this current life. I’m more than sure and grateful that he was the one who advanced and awoke me into a new level of love. When I look back, I was the devastated mother holding him on my chest, pumping milk and with sleepless and only tensed nights next to his incubator, as if I was the only one hard at work helping him to survive, while the one being helped is the real helper. He was hard at work with all he had, this precious, irreplaceable, tangible and fragile life of his, to help me survive and thrive. He had big hope and unconditional trust, that I will eventually figure it out, that to truly love and allow myself to be loved unconditionally is the ultimate purpose, not just to my life, but all mankind. The journey may vary due to individual choices and karma that come with, but our journey outwards is to love, and to unlock your livability inwardly with enormous self love. Just like how Vincent loves me. Just like how your beloved one loves you, and how much you miss them.

Sat Nam.

But I Love You

0

The whole nation seems to be in lockdown. Not just Wuhan.

The whole world seems to be a huge machine whose buttons are pushed. Conspiracy story tellers have their Youtube channels flooded, freedom of speech is executed, boarders are closed, citizens are quarantined on horror island, delay of evacuation desperately being criticized…Since the coronavirus emergency broke out, all sorts of reactions are triggered in pretty much everyone.

Despair, guilt, fear, anger, these lazy energies surface, and bring out the worst of mankind. Discrimination, racism against Asians, panic attacks, physical abuse and attack of doctors, they don’t change the past yet doesn’t bring any perspective to the future, people are stuck in their illusions of being in control, while their souls are not nourished nor others’. Or perhaps the shadows have to come into the light first to be recognized?

Sense of responsibility, resilience, sacrifice, no matter from which part of the consciousness it comes from, those who are brave enough to carry out a mission for us all. They are overworked doctors, nurses who plan to never leave the ICU, scientists who had no time to pee nor sleep, and those who stand by those who are desperate.

Ignorance and hate are selected. They have their own intelligence and metabolism, they thrive on earth fed by even lower vibrations, like those who think wild animals are our food and by eating monkey brain they’d get smarter. It is very easy to fall for the illusion of empowerment by hating and refusing to know, just as if love and compassion are selective and only thy neighbors deserved to be loved. Viruses and disasters don’t select gender or race, they provide the most tough ground for mankind to expand individually and collectively, by loving unconditionally, by developing scientific researches and coming up with solutions to practicality, by respecting our authenticity and those of others, and by trusting and allowing life to flow through. Humans and humanity are not here to set ourselves for failure, remember we have, or had, a much more ambitious and powerful plan, learning to truly love and allow ourselves to be loved and appreciated. Love is never a theme to be figured out through spirituality or religions, it is more human than humane. We are human, we want to love and want to be loved.

As one mother tells her son who was wrongly convicted as a sex offender in ‘When They See Us’. You feel the world hates you, but I love you, I love you all the time and so much that it makes up for the whole world. You hurt, I hurt, you angry, I angry, you cry, I cry, you free, I am free. Mother Earth loves us with her empathy and generosity, I know this is what China needs now from its people and the whole world, I feel it is what every individual needs now from themselves and each other. Love is the most Devine shield.

Stand steadily and strong China, stand steadily and strong humans, because you are always loved, and those who love you need your love. True love does not ask for payback or worshipping, true love doesn’t require identification or submissiveness, it came way before any ideology or political system, it can neither be planted in nor taken away, it is just there, being and non-reacting, the essence of each one of us, always have and always will.

To our Fathers

0

I am more than lucky and grateful to have found a teacher in this physical realm who inspires me to reflect, renew and respect all forces including myself.

Yesterday’s lesson was about the formation of a complete and grounded human being.

The mother brings the child into the world. She provides her with a nest for the physical body, fuel to grow strong and to fend off diseases and a shelter to hide and heal.

The parents co-existence in the first two years of her life makes her feel not only secure but also well-fed and attended, prepares her to be a content and satisfied being for the further steps.

The father’s role comes later, when the child’s basic needs are met and is feeling safe to explore. The mother fades into a second place, as a solid background and continuously a hiding place, while papa takes her to play, explore, have all the fun and make all the mistakes, teaches her skills to regulate her emotions and think logically, it is the beginning of a chid’s best childhood memories – pure empowerment to become a functional and wonderful being, sturdy and sane enough to make peace with this earth experience, eager to settle down and be all in it.

What a perfect design and a fantastic wish. Humans are humane. We experience all sorts of emotions and react to experiences that passively and actively happen to us, we make choices which bring in new rounds of karma. Actions, feelings, reactions – all choices based on different levels of consciousness and unconsciousness. This certainly includes our fathers. Fathers are humans. Humans make mistakes and react to triggers. That’s how we learn and hopefully expand. However this understanding doesn’t exclude an imprint of lack and coldness into our solar plexus, where we store our memories about our father and experiences of self-empowerment.

Most of us walk around not realizing where our intentions are from and are directed. The solar plexus is grumpily pumping the vibe of having been mistreated into other instinctual parts of our bodies, the mouth speaks no truth but how much lacking we feel from our guts, the brain comes up with strategies to overcompensate what’s been thought to be true. We act irrational and insecure by attacking and coming up with all reasons to be right, we beg for love and attention in the adult way – through offering something or someone, through sugarcoating the despair not to admit we have been forgotten, abandoned or ignored.

Beneath the surface of lacking, there’s an abundance of warmth. From both us and our fathers. It probably needs both our mindfulness to be reactivated and shine its blinding light again, but it begins with your own light. The beam of light that can never be dimmed or abandoned. The magical powder to spice your life up, the last solution to turn this soup of life into an enrichment to the collective human energy.

Pump that into our fathers’ hearts. This love is pure and unconditional, not because it came and stayed the perfect way as theoretically described above, but because it has gone through some of the most humane experiences, be it the failure of protection, be it lacking attention, be it the loss of communication, be it one of our choices of reaction or non-reaction to a certain trigger, its abysmal content and depth is not here only to serve the purpose of experiencing human emotions, but to be transmuted into a love that is purer than a flowing river.

Your father’s river needs your love to flow. He is worth that much and more. Just like your did.

Empower yourself like I did. Speak and act authentically. This is the ultimate lesson our fathers are here to teach us.

Sat Nam.

People of the Sun

0

Sitting at my mother’s house, I lean my head backwards so my whole face gets to bathe in the blinding winter highland sun.

UV, UVA, warmth, life’s wonders, I got some back.

The house is different, people who live in it are different, the mentality of just chilling out and doing nothing is different, all outside circumstances have changed. The young woman is grown, the mother is getting old, the youngest girl wonders why winter can be so warm, yet they are all here. People of the sun.

Some fear its power, I miss its magic.

A warm bath or shower by the water heated by sunlight like the old days smells like the rawness of nature, mixed with the mystery of its travels and those it has spoken to. It touches my skin like grandma’s rough palms, and cradles the frozen winter kidneys with its feminine force of nurture. All cleansed. Next come tears, tears of joy and release.

Lots agree that the sun represents the infinite father figure – ambitious and authoritative. I grew up in the state of sunshine, had the luck to be nurtured by its warmth into the heart and the lives it brought with to build my body strong.

Rising up with the sun brings a lovely day; Taking a nap in the mid-day sunshine melts a frozen heart; Retreating and staying put when the sun hides behind thick clouds prevents insanity; Doing your washing and letting it dry in the sun is like inviting a hundred fluffy puppies into your garden; Tea, gardening and sun-dried hair? The soul sitting comfortably at home.

In all aspects, the sun brought me up like a grandmother, a mother and a guardian goddess. She has shaped my soul to be soft and warm, she taught me to be kind yet firm, she reminds me of my true essence when I’m depressed and hopeless, she has always been sturdy, graceful, powerful and enduring. I love how feminine yet strong it has made me, I am proud that when I need to rest and reset, she has always got my back, literally with her warm hugs.

Some see her more as a seasonal vacation, an instant glow, an attempt to nature’s secrets, or a validation of leisure and luxury of time. The sun is more than that. She has always been there, quietly yet gracefully, keeping all running their courses, knowing when and where she should make an appearance or hide, lighting up pathways for the lost and providing sanctuaries for the hurt. Where she shined its light into, love awakes; where she hides, you know it is okay to just surrender, sometime soon the next sunrise comes.

When you impatiently whine about what comes next, she lovingly tells you to take one step at a time.

It is the love of the mother.

Even when you feel your mother has abandoned you, far far away behind the clouds, she is there; even if your mother no longer has a physical body, so close to your core, her light shines, her warmth lingers.

Love

To the sun. To those who are blessed to have mothers and those who miss their mothers in heaven. To the suns which shine so bright in our hearts.

A beautiful translation of the Japji

0