A hug for my soul

A journey of grieving and healing after child loss

Loving Vincent – A mother’s grieving words

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Our children came to our protection. Not the other way round.

Being a mother and wife, I was worried how humanly possible it could be to love another person, to love even harder and to love the same way, but Vince’s arrival dissolved that worry. I grew another heart to love him.The fresh, warm and comforting connection to him and myself, is pumped throughout my whole body like fresh blood, reminding me that I can love another person, that I can love even harder.

We often take for granted what our kids do for us. Instead, we grant ourselves the credit by getting used to think ‘I gave my children lives’ together with this instinctive calling ‘I’ll do literally anything to protect them’.

Not everything is about you. Everything is about everyone. Our children gave themselves lives and came into this world through us, giving our life new definitions. Our children did and will do everything to protect us.

Vincent made it through to come here against all odds, to allow me to meet this purest, most beautiful soul in person, to allow me to ache while he was aching, to give love when he felt loved. He showed me that the body he got assigned to would be too challenging to work with both for him and us. He passed away holding hands with both me and my husband – he came to say hello, and he allowed us to say goodbye. He protected me every step of the way, sparing me the ultimate guilt as his carrier of not knowing why or having even not met in person, he provided me with all, truly all he had, and gave my life a brand new definition.

I asked my husband why some people are able to leave their children behind, how much pain they must bare with every single breathe taken in, he answered ‘perhaps these people didn’t feel loved or missed when they were little, so they are not able to pass on that ability later’.

How wise and how spiritual of him, spiritually unaware of what he just said. Love grows love. It is such a painful yet grounding feeling to love and receive love, and all our painful and grounding feelings compose who we are and gives guidance to where we are going. Without any of them, at least I feel plastic and artificial.

My love for Vincent would never dim. It will grow more love. Love for him, love for myself, love for my family, and love for every beautiful thing.

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