A hug for my soul

A journey of grieving and healing after child loss

Mother of All

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I don’t understand the universe. Why on earth, literally, does a woman have to do all the work to nurture and deliver her baby? The job is noble but more than challenging, and we are alone in this, except for our babies. You are completely on your own with such intimate connection, no one understands more than you what sleepless nights, heartburns, walking on eggshells, bleeding nipples and haunting hormonal swings do all together to one’s body and mind. 

So until things turn out to be everything but what was expected, we are again alone in the pain-the physical pain of fighting to not have our bodies crash on tops of all the motherly chores such as milk pumping and diaper changing, the emotional pain of shock and grief, and the spiritual hurt because the mind is trying to figure out why. It doesn’t matter if we have gone through a miscarriage, stillbirth, decided to abort an unborn baby, or our baby had made it through to see us in person but soon passed, we are bleeding from both inside and outside, and this is a unique journey. 

I don’t understand ourselves, women. We somehow tricked ourselves into believing we are incomplete. The ego won’t let go, so we think it is all because something we did or are, or didn’t do or aren’t. Be it a breakup, be it losing a baby, be it being single, you name it. On a spiritual level I guess that feeling of something missing is tangible, not because some piece is really absent in our lives, but because most of us have forgotten why we are here and our life tasks and purposes. So the ego says let the purpose be being desirable, having lots of material wealth, finding someone to say I love you, making babies, so and so and so, and the surroundings seem to agree. We are trained to be left brain based, meaning we tend to be outward-oriented and solution-seeking. This skill is handy with day-to-day problem shooting, but might leave us confused: I can’t even carry a healthy living baby. This happened to me. It is a surrender to the victim psychology, but not to our Devine Self. 

It is to be expected that we feel something is missing: it is the absence of the could haves and would haves, but perhaps instead immediately trying to ‘fix’ the situation or ‘solve’ the problem thinking that would complete you or your life, try and listen to what’s screaming from inside. Allow your soul and body to be sad and then look into healing, give them the affirmation which you knew already: You are perfectly complete. 

Have you allowed yourself to cry and grieve? Have you checked in with yourself before rushing to check in with what the outside expects us to be? Have you been all in and all present with your other kids, so they know that their grief counts and their being counts? Have you gently told your body that you are grateful for all the hard work it has been doing to bring your baby into your life? Have you cuddled your poor heart for all the pieces that are now shattered? Have you realized that you yourself are once and for all your first and eternal baby? 

Once a mother always a mother, and the same goes to you, daddies who stumble across my post. Don’t forget to mother yourself, and then you can be mother of All. 

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