A hug for my soul

A journey of grieving and healing after child loss

To you, courageous soul


Costa Rica is a Devine place. My soul dances at a different frequency when I find myself standing among the lush jungle hearing the ocean chanting steps away – finally home.

Animals are at ease here, locals treat them with care and respect – monkeys soar, cats befriend people, dogs walk around and cuddle kids, lizards tan, dolphins chill, whales come and go, sea turtles lay eggs and battle into the ocean, and butterflies know where to go. Those who come here seem to find a way to be more focused on their life purposes, or are on the way of discovering them through taking care of animals, through learning to kill animals consciously, through healing others, or simply through observing the frequencies of those who listen.

And then it gradually becomes more clear to me. It doesn’t come over night, it has begun as early as my memory doesn’t comprehend, and probably won’t end when I pass over. Meditating in a beautiful yoga shala, I hear someone saying, you courageous soul.

I often don’t know how to react when people say ‘it is great to see you make it to come through what has happened to you’.

For the answers i got so far, it doesn’t happen to one individual, and suffering is not unique. It does happen to individuals, for all our choices made consciously or unconsciously, alone or with others, on this realm or on other levels, a challenge is not ‘through’ by a single action or one individual’s alternation, a challenge intertwines with all players throughout this life and possibly other lives. I believe we choose to have particular challenges or tasks before we come, which none of us remembers, so the only thing one can do once here is to obtain an attitude to stay with the present.

Oh man, the present is not that easy, and my lower self struggles daily. My toddler questions often if I did anything wrong to kill our baby, because I was the one responsible to carry and give birth to him. The culture I come from questions if women like me are even worth much, because they fail to ‘do’ the basic job as a female, which is to reproduce.

Again I don’t know if that is a task I had chosen, together with the cultural background and the soul of my daughter and son, my emotions and ego in this life and this realm know it hurts so real. Yet every time I dive in a little deeper, instead of attempting to run away from it, a calm, illuminating creature gives my hand a firm grip, and surrounds my bleeding heart with a gentle hug. The ‘head cinema’ starts to play, and I see all choices I made, all happy and sad memories, all those I miss and cherish, all those I have remembered and forgotten. I don’t know what it is trying to say, but it aids me to separate the uncomfortableness from the dive, and helps me as an energy to emerge with the rest of my choices, my memories, my flaws, my pain, and my loss. I am that whole experience, as you are just that whole experience you have created for yourself uniquely. There’s no through, there’s no success, there’s no beginning nor end, there’s only constant non-judgmental and eternal love, and that comes from the Universe, and you yourself. There’s a lot of help for you to feel that one if you ask for it, surprisingly including the ego and others’ opinions to make the discovery harder, thus firmer and unmistakable, but ultimately, you are your source of compassion, courage and gentleness. That’s our gift. Don’t let others tell you otherwise.

We may never find the answer on the conscious level why things seem like tragedies happen, with whom your soul has made this plan, for what kind of purposes it would be, and what spiritual growth is in there when you finally cross over, but as long as the veil is still there, the Self wants you to know that your own suffering is as significant as it is, and also as insignificant as it could be. It can be so deeply engraved and unforgettably vivid when you allow yourself to become a bit more aware and unaware at the same time again. Be gentle, be courageous.

Every time you make a conscious decision to make a change, say thank you, you courageous soul; Every time you take a challenge and stay with it, say thank you, you courageous soul; Every time you feel shattering pain and want an exit, be present, hug that soul and say, salute, I’m here, you courageous soul.

Perhaps when we pass over, when the veil is gone, we finally can see both how insignificant and significant we really are, as individuals, and as One. Or perhaps before that happens, we can strive to see that others’ pain are not just others’, and our own self-projected fortune don’t just belong or stay with ourselves.

Salute, all you courageous souls.

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