A hug for my soul

A journey of grieving and healing after child loss

Let the Sunshine In

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We are now in China visiting family.

My family has been a showcase of all things beautiful: love, devotion, service and compassion for everyone’s place. My family is also an abyss full of darkness and ugliness: greed, conditional love, dependency and broken self-esteem.

I realize those everyday dramas still shake me emotionally: closed-off father, greedy uncle and aunt, and this thick projection of judgements that has been passed down through the cover of Culture. I also realize they don’t touch me at all, even by the most rejective broken heart, because I am reminded of my role here as a student of planet earth: everyone has free will and mine is to live with compassion.

Almost impossible to act compassionate when it concerns you yourself, the ego that is never told to get a rest and let the soul take charge, especially for egos tailored to suit a life that demands perfection and denies darkness.

However, the darkness is there. It is an essential part of us. It completes us. They are like broken-legged beasts crouching in far far away corners, forgotten yet never forgiven.

They are our aunts who took grandprenrs’ heritage away, they are our fathers who never shown any love, they are our siblings who don’t talk to us again, they are our mothers who prefer the sons.

They are these pieces of our souls that are wrapped up by shame and guilt, and they were suppressed by ourselves and thrown to holes and corners that are far far away. We don’t allow them to voice nor have ever accepted them as parts of us, but they are undeniably there, living in utterly despair. Desperate to be seen, desperate to be accepted, and desperate to be embraced.

It is painful to even just experience those unpleasantness, not to mention to look deeper than the presence of each of them, it is shameful to be associated to them, be it a particular person or a particular behavior, because you feel not loved by them, or you perceive your way of love is better than theirs, though when you really allow your soul to guide your mind to look deeper, there’s someone and something distinctively individual hurting and lurking to be seen.

We are the greedy aunts and unloving fathers, we are the judgmental mothers and ignorant siblings. Or their shadows are the nightmares of what we fear to become.

We are also collectively much much more than that.

Shine the light of love and compassion in. How can you realize your soul’s greatness if the darkness is denied its light? Your darkness awaits you to be truly you, to experience the pain and bliss of true integrity, just as we are here to truly experience the essence of loss and of found.

I don’t know as any one of you, but I guess that is part of our work here to be human in every life we chose to come.

Shine your light to those who have forgotten as well, especially those with whom you are in denial of, but consulate your soul to set your boundaries, we are here to shine through and guide ways, not to be dimmed.

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