A hug for my soul

A journey of grieving and healing after child loss

Kia tere te kārohirohi i mua i tō huarahi


Before I did my Sadhana today, there was the news of the Christchurch shooting. After a long day of emotional ups and downs, I could not just sit in my meditation and just wait to see the lovely white light shining though my third eye and let my soul dance like no one’s watching, tears came down even before I made it to sit on my mat.

The hearts of those who were praying to their God. The hearts of their family never getting them back home. The hearts of those who pray to Christianity in Christ Church, where the holy temple of Christ is.

I didn’t chant Sat Nam, instead my mind just needed to make sense of things which seem ridiculous, such as a human streaming mass shooting online. I thought about my role here, as small as my hurt ego, as big as if my prayer would even do anything for those who suddenly left the earth today, and those who are still struggling in the hospital for perhaps unfinished businesses.

Then suddenly spirits came in. It’s the guardian angels spreading their bright wings, taking the fresh spirits to fly back to the Source. It was a glimpse through my not m-so-deep meditation, into a world of I don’t-want-to-admit consciousness and wonder.

Then I cry for those who experience loss. Words that’s not done or said yet. Dinners never attended ever. My son never grown to fall into my arms or call me mama. I cry also for myself.

When there is loss, the loss is not yours only. It is bigger and deeper than just yours. The loss is not ours only, it is bigger than we can imagine with our human minds.

Two months ago when we were still in Christchurch, I took a picture of this Māori saying from the national museum.

Whenever there is loss, there is free will and a cross road given. By grieving the loss of others, we find way up there angels singing and deep down there compassion rising. By letting the fear of death guide the mind, way up there, in the temple of Christ, he loves you unconditionally anyways.

That’s what I think.

May the calm be widespread

May the sea glisten like Pounamu

May the shimmering light guide you on your journey

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