A hug for my soul

A journey of grieving and healing after child loss

Judging and Being judged

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It is our first day back into the surreal and hectic city life of Kyoto from the temple mountain Koyasan. Those countless praying and temple visits which seemed to have been docile and mild, ended up stirring up so much energy which has been pushed deep into the black hole in my emotional jungle.

Judging and being judged. You might think the former is a much more comfortable place to be compared to the latter. However, if you dive deeper, which by the way is always painfully achievable, by peeling the emotional onion, by digging under your layers of faux “I know it all” and “I’m the only person hurt on this planet”, by facing up to the floating headless monsters and haunting black clouds of insecurity, self-doubt, anger, jealousy and expectations for the outside world, you get to meet the tiny shivering body hiding behind – an inner child so denied of compassion and love.

Hurt people hurt. We all judge because somewhere down the road, we all have been judged. Perhaps unconsciously, the world seems to be such a soul-sucking place, the only way for us to maintain the illusion of awake-ness is to push the buttons never meant to be pushed in other realms, or to aid to eliminate confusion of this aimlessness and the longing to belong.

Well we are kinda here to feel different sorts of emotions such as our personal boundary overstepped, it becomes complicated once the energy is formed, because judgement is to my eyes a bit like a careless flame, it ends up lighting up each individual’s fuel, oil, paper, textile and even the most innocent item in the house, depending on his life lessons and imprints. The hurt is real, the pain is real, it is part of what we are here to experience by just feeling it, yet we forget the free will is also real.

Our free will doesn’t allow us to become holier by “doing the right thing”, it is simply here to allow us be.

I often am soaked in tears when I feel wronged, bad mouthed or unfairly judged, my being is denied of its right to just be, and all of a sudden I have to meet some sort of standard which has absolutely nothing to do with me? I get hurt because I mourn for my wholeness which now seems tainted, I am quickly talked into feeling like an outsider because I care about those who did it, or I expect myself to be acceptable, or both. It’s like having ran a marathon later never counted, a well-wrapped present returned, a delicately frosted cake spoiled. Or shit.

I close my eyes and beg for an answer from within: “Hey you! This really is getting annoying! When on EARTH am I done here and when can I come home?”

“A little bit longer. When you have played with all cards and found out that all is a game yet better than a game.”

“That sounds like a smart people game.”

“No, you play as people to realize you ARE smart. Now, can you take the back seat and let me talk to her soul, ego?”

“But I’m not good at playing cards.”

“Nobody is. That’s the fun part.”

Now before you got the urge to decide someone is not up to your standards, before you let that dissatisfaction of somebody’s character determine if he or she deserves your respect and love, before you sit in anger and expect persuasion to not dislike someone or something, turn around and give the child left behind a big hug. Ask him/her if he/she feels not good enough for yourself, if he/she has been exhausted trying to be someone he/she is not, if he/she is horrified by the thought of being ignored even longer for just being him/her, or if he/she has had enough having to take all the blame for judging.

Have compassion and forgiveness for those who seek for security and comforting through judging you, they don’t intentionally long to destroy you, they need help to be reminded what powerful beings they already are, and that their imperfect inner child are part of this perfection. They just have been playing a bit too hard to keep in SOUL that just like a coin and all phenomena, free will comes in two sides too.

If after all they think their one and only path to feel less unwanted and useless is to feed on judging others, well, that deserves a lot of blessings too, wouldn’t that be yet another unique and necessary journey, like all the others we’ve traveled and will soon travel.

Thank you for your teaching.

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