A hug for my soul

A journey of grieving and healing after child loss

You Live On Within Me

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I often wonder how my grandma Ailan would be like if she had lived till now. I also fantasize how life would be for me and my family if she had lived on.

She would be the same loving, strong, giving, generous and forgiving. She would be even more easily exhausted from doing all the chores. She would be thrilled and would want to be by my side when I gave birth to my children. She would knit tiny socks and jumpers for my babies, she would spend hours cooking for all of us, and she would make sure we all get our portions of vegetables and candy for dessert.

She would have made me less scared and lost on many occasions of my life.

She would have done the same for everyone she loved, every single day of her life.

I often wonder what kind of child Vincent would be, if he was still in his physical body. For reasons I know, I’m often surrounded by little boys whenever I go. I couldn’t help but look at how they laugh in their parents’ arms, how they get needy, and how they steal away attention from their siblings.

He would have been handsome, kind, chilled, a little risk taker and an adventurer, just like his daddy.

I fantasize about our life with Vincent, I would be more than skinny by now from breastfeeding and attending two small kids, our daughter would have been my little helper and have given him all that enormous amount of sister love, we would have been one of these families with all available and visible kids at the playground on a Sunday afternoon, sipping on our melting ice cream and having non-voluntary conversations with other parents on diaper rash and pets.

When my grandma Ailan passed suddenly from a stroke and heart attack, as a grieving spouse, my grandpa blamed that she always puts others first. She was always in a hurry to take care of others, thus she didn’t pay attention to her own health. As a seven-year-old child, I blamed fate for taking her away from me, that I was left along in this unkind world to face my parents’ divorce.

Now I see it as her decision to go. Like my mother-in-law always said, it is none of our business if one decides it’s time for them to go. She came into this realm, did what she planned to do. More or less, that stroke was her way out.

I still don’t, and will never find out what she was here for as her own Devine purpose, that was her own business, but I certainly know what she did for me. She has had opened a world so simple yet so colorful, where everyday life was about expressing her love through her creativity and generosity. The herbs and fruit picked with her own hands, the pure smell of rice stirred and steamed in her bamboo cooker, all pieces – clothes, embroidery handmade and all for others, all coins and pocket money saved not for her but for others, the hugs she gave as a cozy bath surrounding my heart, and how much a goddess her presence felt every time she tried to shield me from pain.

She made it possible for a little girl to experience kindness and compassion very first hand, her love was simple there, always available and unconditional, just like her own presence, simply and humbly be, without any identification with the outside world. I was the most blessed girl in the world to have her shine her light into my shadows. Those fragments of her have never left, those familiar beams of light live permanently within my aura. They continuously shine into every cell within me till today.

I often wonder what kind of person Vincent would be if I’d have the opportunity to watch him grow. He would be brave, kind, funny, smart, hard to understand, head in a different realm, incredibly wise, generous, and compassionate. He chose a sick body to come into this world, and he put up with an enormous amount of suffering and pain from the very first breath of his life, with nothing but love and mercy. He came here with nothing but love, he chose to leave with nothing but love. I don’t know his Devine life purpose, but he has been and is nothing but Devine for me. That alone, is a whole universe unlocked within me. His manifestation as my son, has been shining Devine lights into every corner within this universe, corners which are vulnerable and beautiful, but also corners which had never seen any light in any lives ever before. I’m more than grateful to be his invisible mother and student.

He also, lives in me eternally and guides me on, like he has never been away.

25th, May is Vincent’s 1st birthday. I know I wouldn’t be able to write anything up on that day, because I have a birthday cake to bake and new flowers to plant.

Sat Nam.

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