A hug for my soul

A journey of grieving and healing after child loss

A Hug for Your Soul

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Fellow bereaved parents, siblings and grandparents who have gone through and are still going through the same tragic loss like us, I’d like to share this update with you.

I lost my newborn to a currently unknown genetic disorder 10 months ago. His name is Vincent. He lived for 8 weeks and spent all his earthly life in the children’s intensive care unit. Through the past months I got to know other stories just as heartbreaking as ours, though all our stories are different and have unblocked journeys that are unique to us as individuals, I do wish this bit of my very own journey brings a warm hug to your grieving hearts.

My very first vision after Vincent’s death was through hypnosis. In my trip he was a handsome old man living alone in a house deep in the forest, northern, cold-weather forest. I had no idea why my half Chinese son’s soul who seemed to have such strong Buddhist sphere showed up as a white guy from the far north. Then after my husband’s grandma’s pass, which happened shortly after Vincent’s death, gave me one more piece of the puzzle.

While Vincent was in the hospital, grandma drove there almost every morning at 5am to stay by his side. One morning when I arrived, I saw that she held his tiny hand in hers, murmuring an old German lullaby, and his face said nothing but love.

They two had so much connection beyond words, and a big piece of me believes that Vincent was the baby boy grandma had lost more than 50 years ago, shortly after his birth, and in the old time she was not even allowed to see him nor hold him at all. He took a chance to come back to her, with no plans to stay long but only to feel her love and touch, and perhaps to guide her way back to the other side.

A Canadian lady told me these infants losses, manifested in various ways such as SID, miscarriages and still born, are souls making a trip to earth with the purpose to feel unconditional love. They might have been kids taken out by their parents from the womb or shortly after birth, because of their gender i.e. for being female in certain cultures, or because of poverty. Their only purpose for this life was to find a couple, or a parent who would love them not because but despite.

Then I thought about my sibling I never got to meet in this life. My mum told me long ago she had an abortion when I was very little, because of the one-child policy in the 90s. I cannot imagine what kind of pain she and her whole generation had to endure, or how much of the pain body ever got acknowledged and released, I certainly remember missing a sibling especially when things were hard. I think of my brother or sister who never got to be born had came through me, with no agenda to stay long but a strong wish to be acknowledged, and an even stronger determination to feel my mum’s hug and kisses, hear my voice and even to annoy me a little, and get to know my current life situation.

A healer told me Vincent is one of my angels manifested through my pregnancy, he came to shift things for us; The angel lady Lorna told me he was not supposed to stay but he had a message for us, which was to know we are loved and protected always; My kundalini house mate H said Vincent’s last reincarnation was to just be in my womb; My yoga classmate Isa said perhaps he needed the experience for his spiritual evolution. A friend thinks Vincent’s here for the unknown genetic disorder to be discovered and studied like what is really happening with his case now in a research group. They all have touched my heart with so much sincerity and compassion.

Whichever one it is, or none above, it was Vincent’s own plan. My subconscious would like it to be a story so brilliant and significant, for the attempt to compensate my profound loss, but it is none of my business. My role here is to go into a deeper level of love through my grief, awaken what I came here with and for, and thank Vincent for his teaching.

Isa also said the souls have agreed or decided for its life to be that way from the other realm, before reincarnation, while the other souls involved have agreed to that. It seems crazy to have agreed to such a tragic death and loss for both parties from an earthly-bounded perspective, but once we enter this world, we forget about it all and all we focus on is the mind’s search for justification and the unbearable pain.

That resonates so deeply with me. This theory, yet still being a theory (since none of us have the whole picture but some are lucky enough to get a glimpse), has made me feel less alone in the attempt to just trust my soul and allow it to flow. Most spiritual authors and mediums say the soul has a very different perspective from another realm, despite the amount of mediumship and medical books and speeches I’ve inhaled in these past months, I’m grateful that I’m learning to release my mind from anger and the urgency for whys, and to allow my soul to take the driver’s seat.

My soul says she embraces all of it, the vast, grand and fascinating life, since the beginning of all things.

I’m turning 32 tomorrow, last year on the same day I still had Vincent on my chest hooked to his beeping machines. He will still be beeping the strongest beat one year after, even closer to my heart.

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