A hug for my soul

A journey of grieving and healing after child loss

Magical Moments


Hi from this gorgeous water.

Jumping dolphins, gliding yellow and purple, gods and goddesses hopping around the mountains, and the crystal clear ocean.

We sit there, half meditating half chatting, wondering what it would be like when the next little soul decides to enter this realm through us.

Then I felt fear. As the very first time I fell off the surf board entering the water of unknown threats. How far away are the sharp reef from my bare face? What if a shark decides to check out near shore for lunch? The board fin is way too big and sharp. The next set of waves are definitely gonna smash me onto the invisible reef soon! And where the F is my lease!

I sat there on the beach watching the rest of the team ‘struggle’ in the waves, bitching about how cold the water was and how imperfect it was to have ruined my day.

Staring into the water almost not able to breath, I then was guided to think about the first time I caught my first green wave a few years ago. That stillness of gliding back into the present, was like…the most profound meditation full of visions, and a hundred dolphins dancing in my chest. It was my very first egoistic spirituality, and my first spiritual egoism coming together.

The magical moments. He says. Every moment we had Vincent in my belly was a moment of pure wonder and joy for us all. How we made fun of his penis in the ultrasound shot, the warmth we had in our hearts painting his room blue and picking up his first toy, the whispers on my belly before bed every night, his little feet kicking my belly at musicals and stand-ups, shows and dances, laughing out jars off with friends sharing our birthing experiences, sharing with our daughter that there was life growing within our family…he is so beautifully right, we have been blessed with all those truly magical moments which we wouldn’t trade for the world. They were not up to manipulation or control, it was just as pure as how life is, just be. I guess when it comes to day to day life, child baring is more complex than just catching waves and counting magical moments, but when you really stay within the moment, there is stillness, nothingness and everything yellow and purple, dolphins and grace.

And something also fascinating: Most spiritual teaching say there is no past or future, the present is the only tangible reality. Somehow, when everything becomes magical, even the past can be revisited, and there is pure sweetness and gratitude.

Thank you all for the precious teaching and amazing energy.

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