A hug for my soul

A journey of grieving and healing after child loss

A Life Purpose


My kundalini teacher told me her purpose in this life is to wake those beautiful souls up from their confusion and to guide them into taking a glimpse of their purposes. My meditation teacher said bringing healing into people and to perhaps make those who are gonna press the Third World War Button think twice is her calling. They are both two goddesses totally at ease with their being, after a rebirth through their practice.

I often wonder what my purpose is in this life.

Perhaps it is getting a bit clearer almost two years into my journey of child loss, and thirty two years into this life.

I often thought by losing Vincent as a baby who was hooked to beeping machines in the ICU was a blessed purpose of mine in this life. I got to be with him exclusively, watch his pain closely, go through the hurt and despair, learn to surrender and let go, appreciate the tangibility and preciousness of life, shed my illusion of control, celebrate his arrival and departure, treasure the goodbye we both manifested, and love what is.

I still think it is a blessed purpose of mine from him and the universe, but instead of regarding it as an individual sector of the whole human experience, I have came to realize all stated above is life as humans, is our whole purpose. Just as if lots of spiritual teaching say babies like Vincent who came into the world just for a very short time or with severe disabilities are very advanced souls, or with this unique and brave choice of life they advance drastically into another level of awareness or afterlife. Well, there’s no way of finding that out yet for me, and it eventually gets you lingering and hoping for an afterlife and incarnation whilst all we can feel with lies in this current life. I’m more than sure and grateful that he was the one who advanced and awoke me into a new level of love. When I look back, I was the devastated mother holding him on my chest, pumping milk and with sleepless and only tensed nights next to his incubator, as if I was the only one hard at work helping him to survive, while the one being helped is the real helper. He was hard at work with all he had, this precious, irreplaceable, tangible and fragile life of his, to help me survive and thrive. He had big hope and unconditional trust, that I will eventually figure it out, that to truly love and allow myself to be loved unconditionally is the ultimate purpose, not just to my life, but all mankind. The journey may vary due to individual choices and karma that come with, but our journey outwards is to love, and to unlock your livability inwardly with enormous self love. Just like how Vincent loves me. Just like how your beloved one loves you, and how much you miss them.

Sat Nam.

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