A hug for my soul

A journey of grieving and healing after child loss

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The Portals


I always lie metropolitans like LA and Sydney. London especially fascinates me. When I lived there as a young student, it never failed to surprise me. My class was a mini UN with more than 20 nationalities, everyone learnt to speak in accentless English, exchanging ideas and viewpoints in debates and everyday after-school bar hopping from their cultural and upbringing imprints, while meaning to be educated in a universal approach. It was like encountering an exhibition of humanity and history, with myself representing one of them.

There was no corner and no time spent that was story-less. Everyone had a somewhat crazy and unbelievable one. The homeless guy near my dorm house who I shared cigarettes with every time I came back from clubbing, my strawberry dude and farmer’s market chat, girls who kick ass having to hide from their families, military classmates who just lost their mates in the battlefield, believing in their stories to fight for what they love and care about. Hyde Park corner is historical. Chinatown is historical. The hundreds of squares scattered around all neighborhoods are historical. Yet London was made also so much more alive attracting all sorts of ideologies and those who validate them into this complex organism, making the historical more humanly relatable, and the alive more ritually beautiful. The palace is elegantly boring, the oldest tube station floor is disgustingly charming, Harrods fulfilled the fancy lady undeniably alive within all my layers, while the high street sales satisfied the munchies. The people, they are simultaneously identically sophisticated and dramatically simple. Groups co-exist but rarely have dramatic fights, there’s just simply too many ways to have a good time, or an interesting time.

It serves as a portal, just like any moving opportunity we encounter in time and space. Aging, climate change, geographical moves, sub-cultural groups you attract, living dynamics with other humans and animals, weirdly to serve the ego with learning opportunities. There’s so much urgency to find a place to fit in and snuggle up to, because the city is so vast and one gets easily lost without any humanly support system plus earthly things pleasing to the eyes there are expensive, having to identity with one certain group or culture or belief, otherwise it is so fearful of dying or losing its control over the, er, story? There’s also artificially made possible to experience so much emptiness and space to unidentify to oneself, because individuals seem so identical and insignificant in such a massive place and function. There’s no pressure to be anything or go anywhere, and someone else within the city has had the achievements you plan to take in the next 5 years anyhow. There’s time to experience and verbalize the peculiarity in between, is it the false death of the ego, the farther identification of the pain body, or there’s just us and our stories we told again and again, merged, or existing in separated dimensions?

Once we start to be conscious about what masters we are at manipulating ourselves and fitting people in or lives into our stories which we told ourselves we have to continue, there probably will be less and little having to fit in or the heavy duty of needing to make a new story to continue with, just the sweetness of being totally at ease with whoever you are, wherever you are, having a look, having a laugh.

Sat Nam.

I Am So Good at Yoga


This title because of an ear worm for me since years.

It’s a super hilarious song from a show Called Crazy Ex-girlfriend. The Insta-perfect, yoga-teaching and smoothie-drinking current girlfriend sings ‘now we are in a yoga class, time to let your mind go blank and focus on how amazing the yoga teacher is. Look at me, look at me, I am so good at yoga” while shaking her boho-ready and Malibu-tanned body.

I think of the high I get by doing yoga and meditations. It is such a beautiful hike to the mountain top, it boosted my confidence and ego much more, imagine the helicopter trips you took through smoking dope in your friend’s mom’s car parked on a London city street at 3am. It is more rewarding than that. It is Devine with so many layers and light, memories and colors so amplified, sensations and corners of your heart once forgotten. It’s like, traveling through darkness for x light years only to find sitting inside of you, there’s been so much pain and love, so many lives lived and so many things experienced via different incidents and role players. Spirituality is such a marketing hipe, yet it had heard my vibration’s calling and grasped me by my hand when I needed it the very most. I am lucky enough to have gone through various of schools and methods, got to meet teachers from around the world, had many healing hands laid on me, and started my own practice and rebuilt my belief system. Those which and who really touched my heart space are surprisingly usually the drop-outs yet most humble, firm but always love-based. What I love the most about them is, that they have an open, raw and honest heart.

A master is not closing his eyes and living by only chanting mantras and being vegan. An underdog is not anything different just because he steals and eats garbage. The truly enlightened ones don’t have much to learn or do here anymore, as long as we are here, there’s always mistakes to be made, life lessons to be learnt, karma to be rebalanced, hearts to be opened, and light to be shed. By closing our heart we don’t get to spread our love to others, by numbing our mind we also are practicing a false compassion that is conditional and only accessible to those who are able to. It may protect an ideology from being questioned and tested, but it forms a new stage where each and every seeker seeks a perfectly-fitting role according to his current vibration, in attempts to protect past wounds. A used-to-be guru may be called out a sex predator, a group may be forced into the dynamic of a cult, a donation-based business may birth negative competitions.

We all are here trying to worship our progress experiencing the fullness of life, not the ego or a by-pathed ego dressed in yoga pants wearing non-animal tested beauty products.

Materialism is separation and limited, in my opinion, but so is a separation-based spiritual belief. My grandpa is a devoted Muslim and my other grandparents are Buddhists, they told me religions are not intended to separate but to bring people home. One doesn’t need to differentiate himself from others to hold the key to happiness and success, it is quite the opposite. In the end you find it is just a change of perspective, but never having to choose where your true home is. Spirituality is not a by-path for escaping life lessons, just as by only accessing and relying on our intelligence and cognitive skills, life is half-lived. The true masters live humbly and fully, with their hearts open to give and receive, embracing all that is, all who we are. All our sufferings and heartache, shadows and desires, intelligence and skills, strategies and pleasure, imperfections and how materialistic life and the human body actually is, and all our purity and nothingness, visions and dreams, intuition and vibes, things we cannot quantify but keep us coming back again and again. One is not the enemy of the other. With all these settings and tools we learn truly the importance to feel love and express love, to stand in our power and respect others, to be authentic and true, to be brave and vulnerable, to not victimize ourselves or others, we check out, and we return.

Life is life, life is also more than life. A true mantra reaches more layers of your humanity and the most powerful practice is to embrace all who you are and all what life has to offer. We are all equally practicing our own yoga. May yours be your community who embraces your true identity as a human. May you keep an open heart to build yours no matter how raw it can be sometimes.

Sat Nam.

The Song of your Soul


Sat Nam! It is day five into my next level Kundalini teacher training, and I’m feeling blessed! The global slow-down told us it is time to go inward, and that means not taking an expensive flight to Byron Bay or Bali, but to get up for the morning class online when everyone is still snoring, to bounce like a crazy swan on the balcony when the neighbors are just out to take some sun, and to have arms and legs so sore you have to scream. I’m online for learning, not porn! Seriously!

Remember Kobe used to say ‘Have you seen LA at 4am?’ ? I guess that’s how it feels like. It is a privilege to be inspired at 6am everyday!

These days we talk about the different identities, chakras, minds and bodies one can speak from in yogic teaching, and a lot more! Head still full but fingers cannot rest, so quoting from my manual: ‘If we don’t identify the hidden self and agenda, we stay half alive behind those masks. We might gain great accomplishments that in the end betray what we really wanted. We create change but not growth. We accumulate knowledge but not wisdom. We form relationships but not partnerships. We gain fame but not for who we really are.’

How does one live these up-in-the-air words in this vast outta control world?

If someone with unprocessed traumas talks to you, it most of the time doesn’t benefit you but their hidden agendas. This person walks out thinking he or she has accomplished another greatness and jumps straight back into the same patterns and reoccurring life lessons, because the ego worked hard to refuse growth. What about you? Are you going to absorb someone else’s traumas and neurotic strategies, or will you assess it, bless it, learn from it, and let it go? Perhaps there’s a reoccurring life lesson in there your ego doesn’t like too?

Most people with the most vulnerable heart do agenda-based communication unconsciously, and we all have been on both ends of the play, not to mention our ancestors and upbringing have imprints within our NDA, it is hard work, sometimes or for some people just to survive. Isn’t the idea of reincarnation nice that if we are asleep in one life then we do better the next time? On the contrary if one life is all we have, why spend it being half alive?

Be kind to yourself and accept who you are, which means honoring and assessing all layers of you, then you know how important it is to communicate kindly outwardly.

Where do your words come from? Is it your free will, or the ego?

From which chakras do you send out your words? Your insecurity, desire to be given attention, out-of-control stories or the oneness and connectedness inside out?

Your words and tune create your world. May your world be kind, authentic and fully embraced by the creator.

Hi family and friends wherever you are, and those who also walk the journey of life loving, thank you for your kind words and selves for this space here and within.

Be inspired and live your soul song from inside out today. And enjoy hearing yourself.

When I’m with me, I’m with him


My grief partner lit my gloomy heart up with this simple observation.

It is not like a language exchange program where you giggle away your imperfect pronunciations in Korean, grief group work is like being Prometheus plus having to lift ginormous stones from a rocky valley which you declared a meadow your whole life. The space you are able to reclaim and the growth which wets your eyes are profound, because grief hits like massive waves unexpectedly, especially when you are already dreadfully wet and cold.

What I have discovered is, the unexpected waves no one has dared to surf contains more than just energy generated by the water work, there’s much more.

Sometimes it storms in as a misspoken feeling which was manipulated into a belief that an out-sourced emotion has much more on us than the other way round; Sometimes it is a soup of everything self-punishing which all humans use as a pathway to the, wait for it, illusion of entitlement and deserving; Sometimes it’s the voice of your aunt shushing ‘don’t talk about it’. Debris of your certain beliefs like to dive and surf and smash you, lurking around while disguised as grief, or sometimes they just hide themselves so well that you feel so entitled to blame grief itself.

What is the essence of grief? What took the joy out of my face today was the thought of ‘I should have spent more time in the hospital with Vincent’, so, separation. I grieved for the rest of my days, hours, minutes and seconds which I could have also spent sitting next to his incubator with him on my chest, or changing his diaper and cuddling those tiny feet, while he was still alive. Instead, I was not there with him all the time. I went for walks, I took my daughter to picnics in that summer, I spent time with my family, I got shit drunk with my husband. I felt like the worst mother.

Our conversation guided me to some space I refused to see.

I believed I needed to be more than the best version of me to handle that event and take care of everyone and everything, yet I allowed myself to be taken care of by everyone and everything, including my dying baby. With a false belief I blamed myself for allowing that to happen, but when I truly looked back, it was how it was supposed to be – I’m here to be me, not God. I’m not here to fix or juggle everything, even death, but to be human, and to experience the out-of-control love through that profound loss.

I feel truly centered and whole, deserving and grateful. The part I thought has been lost, has never been so vividly present, like being surrounded by hundreds of white butterflies with my loved ones on a remote Japanese island.

When I’m with me, I’m with him. There has never been any separation. Not when I had him in my belly, not when I was sitting next to him, not when I stood a thousand miles away from his grave.

Guan Yin says, separation is not eternal, togetherness is.

It is a choice. We came here with free will, every moment of our lives we are making choices, even by not making a choice is a choice.

When you choose to be present and grounded but not to indulge in self pity or entitlement, not to seek shelter in the belief of self sabotage or others’ misery, when you finally allow your true essence to unfold, no one has left and never will. Togetherness and oneness is our nature.

And be compassionate because it takes time and courage. You are here to be human, not Guan Yin.

With the current event happening to mankind as a whole, each and every one of us is experiencing the upheaval individually. Those feelings are created by ourselves within our experiences and imprints, you always have a choice to be with yourself, because that is the only way to be together with others, love together and grow together as a whole.

A Full Moon Wish


Hi everyone, thank you for visiting this corner of my heart on this month’s full moon.

I’m starting a new round of Sadhana and meditation to pray for China and those who are affected by the coronavirus which is ongoing despite the attention is diverted to other parts of the world, and each and every one of us who are inevitably intertwined as a whole, be it you worrying about grandma who probably might not survive it, be it you swearing in the gym over your cancelled Milan trip, be it you fighting for the last toilet paper roll in Woolworth.

It lasts for at least 40 days, begins with a set of kundalini Kriya (you don’t have to practice kundalini yoga if you are not into it, some breath work would do), and is followed by a meditation with or without Mandra of your choice.

Feel the space around, and watch the universe’s messages and wisdom unfold.

I wish you a lot of gentleness and mercy within and towards the world we live in.

A Life Purpose


My kundalini teacher told me her purpose in this life is to wake those beautiful souls up from their confusion and to guide them into taking a glimpse of their purposes. My meditation teacher said bringing healing into people and to perhaps make those who are gonna press the Third World War Button think twice is her calling. They are both two goddesses totally at ease with their being, after a rebirth through their practice.

I often wonder what my purpose is in this life.

Perhaps it is getting a bit clearer almost two years into my journey of child loss, and thirty two years into this life.

I often thought by losing Vincent as a baby who was hooked to beeping machines in the ICU was a blessed purpose of mine in this life. I got to be with him exclusively, watch his pain closely, go through the hurt and despair, learn to surrender and let go, appreciate the tangibility and preciousness of life, shed my illusion of control, celebrate his arrival and departure, treasure the goodbye we both manifested, and love what is.

I still think it is a blessed purpose of mine from him and the universe, but instead of regarding it as an individual sector of the whole human experience, I have came to realize all stated above is life as humans, is our whole purpose. Just as if lots of spiritual teaching say babies like Vincent who came into the world just for a very short time or with severe disabilities are very advanced souls, or with this unique and brave choice of life they advance drastically into another level of awareness or afterlife. Well, there’s no way of finding that out yet for me, and it eventually gets you lingering and hoping for an afterlife and incarnation whilst all we can feel with lies in this current life. I’m more than sure and grateful that he was the one who advanced and awoke me into a new level of love. When I look back, I was the devastated mother holding him on my chest, pumping milk and with sleepless and only tensed nights next to his incubator, as if I was the only one hard at work helping him to survive, while the one being helped is the real helper. He was hard at work with all he had, this precious, irreplaceable, tangible and fragile life of his, to help me survive and thrive. He had big hope and unconditional trust, that I will eventually figure it out, that to truly love and allow myself to be loved unconditionally is the ultimate purpose, not just to my life, but all mankind. The journey may vary due to individual choices and karma that come with, but our journey outwards is to love, and to unlock your livability inwardly with enormous self love. Just like how Vincent loves me. Just like how your beloved one loves you, and how much you miss them.

Sat Nam.

But I Love You


The whole nation seems to be in lockdown. Not just Wuhan.

The whole world seems to be a huge machine whose buttons are pushed. Conspiracy story tellers have their Youtube channels flooded, freedom of speech is executed, boarders are closed, citizens are quarantined on horror island, delay of evacuation desperately being criticized…Since the coronavirus emergency broke out, all sorts of reactions are triggered in pretty much everyone.

Despair, guilt, fear, anger, these lazy energies surface, and bring out the worst of mankind. Discrimination, racism against Asians, panic attacks, physical abuse and attack of doctors, they don’t change the past yet doesn’t bring any perspective to the future, people are stuck in their illusions of being in control, while their souls are not nourished nor others’. Or perhaps the shadows have to come into the light first to be recognized?

Sense of responsibility, resilience, sacrifice, no matter from which part of the consciousness it comes from, those who are brave enough to carry out a mission for us all. They are overworked doctors, nurses who plan to never leave the ICU, scientists who had no time to pee nor sleep, and those who stand by those who are desperate.

Ignorance and hate are selected. They have their own intelligence and metabolism, they thrive on earth fed by even lower vibrations, like those who think wild animals are our food and by eating monkey brain they’d get smarter. It is very easy to fall for the illusion of empowerment by hating and refusing to know, just as if love and compassion are selective and only thy neighbors deserved to be loved. Viruses and disasters don’t select gender or race, they provide the most tough ground for mankind to expand individually and collectively, by loving unconditionally, by developing scientific researches and coming up with solutions to practicality, by respecting our authenticity and those of others, and by trusting and allowing life to flow through. Humans and humanity are not here to set ourselves for failure, remember we have, or had, a much more ambitious and powerful plan, learning to truly love and allow ourselves to be loved and appreciated. Love is never a theme to be figured out through spirituality or religions, it is more human than humane. We are human, we want to love and want to be loved.

As one mother tells her son who was wrongly convicted as a sex offender in ‘When They See Us’. You feel the world hates you, but I love you, I love you all the time and so much that it makes up for the whole world. You hurt, I hurt, you angry, I angry, you cry, I cry, you free, I am free. Mother Earth loves us with her empathy and generosity, I know this is what China needs now from its people and the whole world, I feel it is what every individual needs now from themselves and each other. Love is the most Devine shield.

Stand steadily and strong China, stand steadily and strong humans, because you are always loved, and those who love you need your love. True love does not ask for payback or worshipping, true love doesn’t require identification or submissiveness, it came way before any ideology or political system, it can neither be planted in nor taken away, it is just there, being and non-reacting, the essence of each one of us, always have and always will.

To our Fathers


I am more than lucky and grateful to have found a teacher in this physical realm who inspires me to reflect, renew and respect all forces including myself.

Yesterday’s lesson was about the formation of a complete and grounded human being.

The mother brings the child into the world. She provides her with a nest for the physical body, fuel to grow strong and to fend off diseases and a shelter to hide and heal.

The parents co-existence in the first two years of her life makes her feel not only secure but also well-fed and attended, prepares her to be a content and satisfied being for the further steps.

The father’s role comes later, when the child’s basic needs are met and is feeling safe to explore. The mother fades into a second place, as a solid background and continuously a hiding place, while papa takes her to play, explore, have all the fun and make all the mistakes, teaches her skills to regulate her emotions and think logically, it is the beginning of a chid’s best childhood memories – pure empowerment to become a functional and wonderful being, sturdy and sane enough to make peace with this earth experience, eager to settle down and be all in it.

What a perfect design and a fantastic wish. Humans are humane. We experience all sorts of emotions and react to experiences that passively and actively happen to us, we make choices which bring in new rounds of karma. Actions, feelings, reactions – all choices based on different levels of consciousness and unconsciousness. This certainly includes our fathers. Fathers are humans. Humans make mistakes and react to triggers. That’s how we learn and hopefully expand. However this understanding doesn’t exclude an imprint of lack and coldness into our solar plexus, where we store our memories about our father and experiences of self-empowerment.

Most of us walk around not realizing where our intentions are from and are directed. The solar plexus is grumpily pumping the vibe of having been mistreated into other instinctual parts of our bodies, the mouth speaks no truth but how much lacking we feel from our guts, the brain comes up with strategies to overcompensate what’s been thought to be true. We act irrational and insecure by attacking and coming up with all reasons to be right, we beg for love and attention in the adult way – through offering something or someone, through sugarcoating the despair not to admit we have been forgotten, abandoned or ignored.

Beneath the surface of lacking, there’s an abundance of warmth. From both us and our fathers. It probably needs both our mindfulness to be reactivated and shine its blinding light again, but it begins with your own light. The beam of light that can never be dimmed or abandoned. The magical powder to spice your life up, the last solution to turn this soup of life into an enrichment to the collective human energy.

Pump that into our fathers’ hearts. This love is pure and unconditional, not because it came and stayed the perfect way as theoretically described above, but because it has gone through some of the most humane experiences, be it the failure of protection, be it lacking attention, be it the loss of communication, be it one of our choices of reaction or non-reaction to a certain trigger, its abysmal content and depth is not here only to serve the purpose of experiencing human emotions, but to be transmuted into a love that is purer than a flowing river.

Your father’s river needs your love to flow. He is worth that much and more. Just like your did.

Empower yourself like I did. Speak and act authentically. This is the ultimate lesson our fathers are here to teach us.

Sat Nam.

People of the Sun


Sitting at my mother’s house, I lean my head backwards so my whole face gets to bathe in the blinding winter highland sun.

UV, UVA, warmth, life’s wonders, I got some back.

The house is different, people who live in it are different, the mentality of just chilling out and doing nothing is different, all outside circumstances have changed. The young woman is grown, the mother is getting old, the youngest girl wonders why winter can be so warm, yet they are all here. People of the sun.

Some fear its power, I miss its magic.

A warm bath or shower by the water heated by sunlight like the old days smells like the rawness of nature, mixed with the mystery of its travels and those it has spoken to. It touches my skin like grandma’s rough palms, and cradles the frozen winter kidneys with its feminine force of nurture. All cleansed. Next come tears, tears of joy and release.

Lots agree that the sun represents the infinite father figure – ambitious and authoritative. I grew up in the state of sunshine, had the luck to be nurtured by its warmth into the heart and the lives it brought with to build my body strong.

Rising up with the sun brings a lovely day; Taking a nap in the mid-day sunshine melts a frozen heart; Retreating and staying put when the sun hides behind thick clouds prevents insanity; Doing your washing and letting it dry in the sun is like inviting a hundred fluffy puppies into your garden; Tea, gardening and sun-dried hair? The soul sitting comfortably at home.

In all aspects, the sun brought me up like a grandmother, a mother and a guardian goddess. She has shaped my soul to be soft and warm, she taught me to be kind yet firm, she reminds me of my true essence when I’m depressed and hopeless, she has always been sturdy, graceful, powerful and enduring. I love how feminine yet strong it has made me, I am proud that when I need to rest and reset, she has always got my back, literally with her warm hugs.

Some see her more as a seasonal vacation, an instant glow, an attempt to nature’s secrets, or a validation of leisure and luxury of time. The sun is more than that. She has always been there, quietly yet gracefully, keeping all running their courses, knowing when and where she should make an appearance or hide, lighting up pathways for the lost and providing sanctuaries for the hurt. Where she shined its light into, love awakes; where she hides, you know it is okay to just surrender, sometime soon the next sunrise comes.

When you impatiently whine about what comes next, she lovingly tells you to take one step at a time.

It is the love of the mother.

Even when you feel your mother has abandoned you, far far away behind the clouds, she is there; even if your mother no longer has a physical body, so close to your core, her light shines, her warmth lingers.


To the sun. To those who are blessed to have mothers and those who miss their mothers in heaven. To the suns which shine so bright in our hearts.

A beautiful translation of the Japji