A hug for my soul

A journey of grieving and healing after child loss

Category Archives: Uncategorized

London Pride

0

In London. In a ‘I gotta see it again before our London pride is forever gone’ state of mind.

Strolling around the old hood, listening to the same music.

The old pub is the same busy with grumpy lads and apologetic ‘kitchen having a nightmare’ waitress. Uber drivers have a new sense of Brexit humor and wisdom.

And I think of walls. Walls nations build to visualize differences and an unsatisfied ego. Walls we build inside crying for healing and possibilities. They don’t segregate people or love. They segregate the earthly self and the higher self, yet what everyone needs is an inward hug.

A hug of surrender. A hug of acceptance. Surrender to what is beyond your control. Acceptance of when something tragic happens, like losing a baby, it is a calling to expand with imperfection, pain and grace.

When you allow yourself to be hurt and feel defeated a little, there’s a little life in there.

When you start to live a little, there’s life everywhere.

Magical Moments

0

Hi from this gorgeous water.

Jumping dolphins, gliding yellow and purple, gods and goddesses hopping around the mountains, and the crystal clear ocean.

We sit there, half meditating half chatting, wondering what it would be like when the next little soul decides to enter this realm through us.

Then I felt fear. As the very first time I fell off the surf board entering the water of unknown threats. How far away are the sharp reef from my bare face? What if a shark decides to check out near shore for lunch? The board fin is way too big and sharp. The next set of waves are definitely gonna smash me onto the invisible reef soon! And where the F is my lease!

I sat there on the beach watching the rest of the team ‘struggle’ in the waves, bitching about how cold the water was and how imperfect it was to have ruined my day.

Staring into the water almost not able to breath, I then was guided to think about the first time I caught my first green wave a few years ago. That stillness of gliding back into the present, was like…the most profound meditation full of visions, and a hundred dolphins dancing in my chest. It was my very first egoistic spirituality, and my first spiritual egoism coming together.

The magical moments. He says. Every moment we had Vincent in my belly was a moment of pure wonder and joy for us all. How we made fun of his penis in the ultrasound shot, the warmth we had in our hearts painting his room blue and picking up his first toy, the whispers on my belly before bed every night, his little feet kicking my belly at musicals and stand-ups, shows and dances, laughing out jars off with friends sharing our birthing experiences, sharing with our daughter that there was life growing within our family…he is so beautifully right, we have been blessed with all those truly magical moments which we wouldn’t trade for the world. They were not up to manipulation or control, it was just as pure as how life is, just be. I guess when it comes to day to day life, child baring is more complex than just catching waves and counting magical moments, but when you really stay within the moment, there is stillness, nothingness and everything yellow and purple, dolphins and grace.

And something also fascinating: Most spiritual teaching say there is no past or future, the present is the only tangible reality. Somehow, when everything becomes magical, even the past can be revisited, and there is pure sweetness and gratitude.

Thank you all for the precious teaching and amazing energy.

The Journey Continues

0

Hello from the trip that continues. And happy birthday to Yogi Bhajan.

Yellow

0

我想知道
能飞多久
它的美丽是否
值得去寻求

夜空的花
散落在你身后
幸福了我很久

值得去等候

于是我心狂奔
从黄昏到清晨
不能再承受

情愿坠落在你手中
羽化成黑夜的彩虹
蜕变成月光的清风
成月光的清风

幸福
跳进你的河流
一直游到尽头
跳进你的河

Waheguru to yourself, Stillness to the Universe

0

My friend S had cancer. Her medical team found it out when I was pregnant with Vincent two years ago and took all parts affected out of her. She then went through a horrendous time with chemo and conventional plus alternative treatments, I saw her suffer and wither. With Vincent in my womb gently kicking and turning around, I could not on earth imagine that my 28-year-old stunning, graceful, smart and sexy S, would never be able to bare her own kids, her beautiful breasts would be at potential risk and that she and her family had to live everyday like the last day.

Then one year later, one hour after I got into the hospital to give birth to Vincent with my favorite birthing tote, I was told the baby might not be healthy. I pushed him out as quickly as I could on the birthing bed with no thoughts yet every thought in my head, and rushed to the children’s hospital he was transferred to right after, with a river of blood gushing out of me, no thoughts yet every thought. I lived everyday in a dream, a nightmare I always checked early morning and wished were nothing but a dream during those two months in the intensive care unit.

Her cancer reoccurred in June this year after having been cancer free for a while.

Except for thinking how unfair it is, surprisingly I also think of a lot of things. I think how amazing a journey it has been and continues to be for her and all who are affected. I looked at her photos and updates every now and then, sometimes just seeing her face all lit up next to her boyfriend or her carrying herself effortlessly in a gorgeous dress with drinks in her hand made my day. I became one of her very first consulting clients, a career and passion she discovered through cancer, I spent not one second fearing how unspeakably hard her life would be with cancer, but instead feeling lifted a little and encouraged every single day after that night giving birth in the hospital. I still don’t know why her cancer came back, yet as weird as it sounds, it is a message, a beam of light, a story of love resurfacing in disguise. It is not an enemy, no devil, but one of the deepest form of self love, and somehow she so courageously chose and is capable of taking herself seriously again through this manifestation, with the people she chose, at this point of this life. I don’t know what surfaces for her this time, what unfolds in my eyes through her, is a valley full of white blossoms, and a beautiful girl dancing and indulging in grace.

As modern trauma experts say, bad things do happen to good people. And if it is so bad, that your ego mind thinks he has found an answer, which is you must have been bad to deserve something that bad. When this answer pushes all your venerable buttons and dissolves your very core, go deeper. The pain, the buttons and the identified core are the uncountable layers of your acquired thinking patterns and imprints, by allowing the pain you stroke through the layers, with the most powerful healing energy you can get: Your own forgiveness and love. They don’t stand there as obstacles unless you tell them that’s their place, they are parts of you who need to be attended, stroked and healed. The ego says no no the world has to be tangible and quantifiable so I can get started at fixing things for you, but the layers wrapping your truest essence, they won’t quiet down or at least take a break unless you at least admit they are also you, and you are also them. Your ego will do the things he is truly a master of, like getting you a hiding place in a mass shooting, or reinforcing the idea of dumping plastic into the ocean is stupid.

Let them be challenged, let them be heard, let them be shaken, let them be dissolved. Deep deep down, there’s a miraculous creature, so delicate and so shy, looking back at you. She is there patiently just being, not expecting but just loving, for you to get one step closer to her no matter if it takes one lesson, one person, one life, or hundreds of them. There must be a purpose behind or none at all, but if there’s even the slightest chance for the abundance of love and fortune through these journeys, in which you eventually appreciate the beauty of surrendering, through which you eventually awake to the truth that you are your ultimate abundance of love and fortune, that you are your true protector and child. If this time you didn’t manage to, you are so patient and forgiving, that you have always agreed to work on that specific topic again, through different people and circumstances at the right time until you dive a tiny bit deeper, you have always allowed yourself to travel back to God’s arms and come back to this realm to repeat those tasks – I mean, experiences to feel the fullness of you. The universe always has your back, no matter sometimes on the surface how hopeless the situation is or how unfair fate seems to be. It has never changed its mind or moved places, just being, as the stillness you are able to experience once you fully surrender, one split second of Nirvana, gazillions of centuries of love.

I call that waheguru, I call that humanity.

So next time when you wish or pray, say Sat Nam, my true identity; Say waheguru, my miraculous soul. Health, relationships, money, reproduction, protection, you came with them already but didn’t get to them most of the time.

To S, to my goddess ladies who gave me unlimited inspirations to dance, sing, cry, love and create. To mom, I know what’s written above is channeled through you. To my miraculous soul and layers.

A Mercury Retrograde

0

Mercury is finally out of retrograde!

That was the first sentence I got from spirits today.

Then the second one comes.

Wait for it.

So everything you decide to do now is your own fault.

How truthful and how forgiving.

Three months of hardship and shit in your year? Why don’t you see them as three heart-to-heart with your inner child per year, 210 opportunities to grow in your life, and infinite strength within your soul?

It is a time to go outside first, and then go within. A lot of blocks are showing themselves, blocks you didn’t even know that ever existed, because underneath, your inner child craves to surface with all love and light. It is not easy to cleanse since it is not a body work which requires a week’s juice fasting plus 20 sessions in the gym, it is work for your ego and soul, your yin and yan, your shadows and light, because we are recycled souls in human form, because you are flawed yet so perfect, because something has to change for shifts to happen, yet there is no constant unchanged.

Let the buttons be pushed because they need to be recognized and acknowledged, push buttons so you remind yourself you have been stuck there again and again. Let the inner child feel it is safe to come out to play because he needs to be cuddled with love. Allow yourself to be the student sometime, thinking you are always the teacher takes away your chance to question and be kind outwardly and inwardly. Plus don’t just blame the mercury.

And happy yoga. All you who cross paths with me and find my blog here. And those who continue reading my blog, you yourself are a teacher with enormous amount of universal resources, benefiting those who cross paths with you with your unique wisdom and sufferings. May your student life be surrounded by an abundant amount of soulful bliss, forgiveness of yourself and others, and light guiding you home to love.

A Hug for Your Soul

0

Fellow bereaved parents, siblings and grandparents who have gone through and are still going through the same tragic loss like us, I’d like to share this update with you.

I lost my newborn to a currently unknown genetic disorder 10 months ago. His name is Vincent. He lived for 8 weeks and spent all his earthly life in the children’s intensive care unit. Through the past months I got to know other stories just as heartbreaking as ours, though all our stories are different and have unblocked journeys that are unique to us as individuals, I do wish this bit of my very own journey brings a warm hug to your grieving hearts.

My very first vision after Vincent’s death was through hypnosis. In my trip he was a handsome old man living alone in a house deep in the forest, northern, cold-weather forest. I had no idea why my half Chinese son’s soul who seemed to have such strong Buddhist sphere showed up as a white guy from the far north. Then after my husband’s grandma’s pass, which happened shortly after Vincent’s death, gave me one more piece of the puzzle.

While Vincent was in the hospital, grandma drove there almost every morning at 5am to stay by his side. One morning when I arrived, I saw that she held his tiny hand in hers, murmuring an old German lullaby, and his face said nothing but love.

They two had so much connection beyond words, and a big piece of me believes that Vincent was the baby boy grandma had lost more than 50 years ago, shortly after his birth, and in the old time she was not even allowed to see him nor hold him at all. He took a chance to come back to her, with no plans to stay long but only to feel her love and touch, and perhaps to guide her way back to the other side.

A Canadian lady told me these infants losses, manifested in various ways such as SID, miscarriages and still born, are souls making a trip to earth with the purpose to feel unconditional love. They might have been kids taken out by their parents from the womb or shortly after birth, because of their gender i.e. for being female in certain cultures, or because of poverty. Their only purpose for this life was to find a couple, or a parent who would love them not because but despite.

Then I thought about my sibling I never got to meet in this life. My mum told me long ago she had an abortion when I was very little, because of the one-child policy in the 90s. I cannot imagine what kind of pain she and her whole generation had to endure, or how much of the pain body ever got acknowledged and released, I certainly remember missing a sibling especially when things were hard. I think of my brother or sister who never got to be born had came through me, with no agenda to stay long but a strong wish to be acknowledged, and an even stronger determination to feel my mum’s hug and kisses, hear my voice and even to annoy me a little, and get to know my current life situation.

A healer told me Vincent is one of my angels manifested through my pregnancy, he came to shift things for us; The angel lady Lorna told me he was not supposed to stay but he had a message for us, which was to know we are loved and protected always; My kundalini house mate H said Vincent’s last reincarnation was to just be in my womb; My yoga classmate Isa said perhaps he needed the experience for his spiritual evolution. A friend thinks Vincent’s here for the unknown genetic disorder to be discovered and studied like what is really happening with his case now in a research group. They all have touched my heart with so much sincerity and compassion.

Whichever one it is, or none above, it was Vincent’s own plan. My subconscious would like it to be a story so brilliant and significant, for the attempt to compensate my profound loss, but it is none of my business. My role here is to go into a deeper level of love through my grief, awaken what I came here with and for, and thank Vincent for his teaching.

Isa also said the souls have agreed or decided for its life to be that way from the other realm, before reincarnation, while the other souls involved have agreed to that. It seems crazy to have agreed to such a tragic death and loss for both parties from an earthly-bounded perspective, but once we enter this world, we forget about it all and all we focus on is the mind’s search for justification and the unbearable pain.

That resonates so deeply with me. This theory, yet still being a theory (since none of us have the whole picture but some are lucky enough to get a glimpse), has made me feel less alone in the attempt to just trust my soul and allow it to flow. Most spiritual authors and mediums say the soul has a very different perspective from another realm, despite the amount of mediumship and medical books and speeches I’ve inhaled in these past months, I’m grateful that I’m learning to release my mind from anger and the urgency for whys, and to allow my soul to take the driver’s seat.

My soul says she embraces all of it, the vast, grand and fascinating life, since the beginning of all things.

I’m turning 32 tomorrow, last year on the same day I still had Vincent on my chest hooked to his beeping machines. He will still be beeping the strongest beat one year after, even closer to my heart.

Letter to Vincent’s Intensive Care Unit

0

Hi all,

The past two months in your unit seemed like infinity to our whole family. Usually people associate intensive care units with cold, creepy and emotionless images, and it was the case for us at the very beginning.

I remember how insanely sacred and numb I felt when I sat in the waiting room, so tired yet alert, ready to spring any moment you came out to give us the pass to go in and see our baby on the cooling mat. I felt very disconnected.

Yet kids are truly amazing. Vincent decided that the intensive care unit would be his home during his stay in this world, as his parents, we follows his lead. He came here through me, with his own purposes, in his own time, through the manifestation of physical suffering, choosing you all to be a big part of his life. As his mother, I know that beautiful and innocent soul was trapped in a weak body so hard to work with, but I also know that he felt safe and loved in your hands. Every diaper change, every time being fed, every time being gently combed and bathed, every try to reduce his pain and discomfort, Vincent allowed us to witness that all of you were not just doing your job as professionals, but also trying all you possibly could out of respect and love for his life, and lives of all the others kids next door.

I cannot represent the dearest and nearest of all other kids, however I am speaking to you from the hearts of all those who have loved and will continue loving Vincent. We are all grateful for what you have done for us, and all you have given through your healing hands and generous hearts. The intensive care unit has been Vincent’s true home on earth, and he made me feel bizarrely but honestly at home there too. It was also his choice to have come to you, be nested around you and be on his way out again there with you. It was the beginning of his end, it is the end of his beginning. Or the other way round.

We also want to thank you for having gently leaving us the space whenever we needed, and for making it possible for us to hold Vincent’s hands when he decided it was time to go. It meant more than words can say for us.

Thank you all beautiful souls.

27 July, 2018

We brought this letter to AKK Hamburg ICU two days after Vincent’s pass, to express all left unsaid during the dark and defeating two months of our lives with Vincent there, never being able to come home. This is especially to nurses and doctors E, A, A, B and N, who gave him so much love and me so much strength, your souls still spark nothing but pure white light for me. I decided to share this letter here today at Vincent and my space, for L, who is also a pediatric nurse at an intensive unit, as part of her birthday presents. Every time you took care of a dying child, they wanted you to know what’s been said above. xx

Acrylic on canvas: Held with Love by Goh Si Hua from Beatty Secondary School as part of the “Belong – Family, culture and Nation” exhibition at Singapore National Art Museum

You Live On Within Me

0

I often wonder how my grandma Ailan would be like if she had lived till now. I also fantasize how life would be for me and my family if she had lived on.

She would be the same loving, strong, giving, generous and forgiving. She would be even more easily exhausted from doing all the chores. She would be thrilled and would want to be by my side when I gave birth to my children. She would knit tiny socks and jumpers for my babies, she would spend hours cooking for all of us, and she would make sure we all get our portions of vegetables and candy for dessert.

She would have made me less scared and lost on many occasions of my life.

She would have done the same for everyone she loved, every single day of her life.

I often wonder what kind of child Vincent would be, if he was still in his physical body. For reasons I know, I’m often surrounded by little boys whenever I go. I couldn’t help but look at how they laugh in their parents’ arms, how they get needy, and how they steal away attention from their siblings.

He would have been handsome, kind, chilled, a little risk taker and an adventurer, just like his daddy.

I fantasize about our life with Vincent, I would be more than skinny by now from breastfeeding and attending two small kids, our daughter would have been my little helper and have given him all that enormous amount of sister love, we would have been one of these families with all available and visible kids at the playground on a Sunday afternoon, sipping on our melting ice cream and having non-voluntary conversations with other parents on diaper rash and pets.

When my grandma Ailan passed suddenly from a stroke and heart attack, as a grieving spouse, my grandpa blamed that she always puts others first. She was always in a hurry to take care of others, thus she didn’t pay attention to her own health. As a seven-year-old child, I blamed fate for taking her away from me, that I was left along in this unkind world to face my parents’ divorce.

Now I see it as her decision to go. Like my mother-in-law always said, it is none of our business if one decides it’s time for them to go. She came into this realm, did what she planned to do. More or less, that stroke was her way out.

I still don’t, and will never find out what she was here for as her own Devine purpose, that was her own business, but I certainly know what she did for me. She has had opened a world so simple yet so colorful, where everyday life was about expressing her love through her creativity and generosity. The herbs and fruit picked with her own hands, the pure smell of rice stirred and steamed in her bamboo cooker, all pieces – clothes, embroidery handmade and all for others, all coins and pocket money saved not for her but for others, the hugs she gave as a cozy bath surrounding my heart, and how much a goddess her presence felt every time she tried to shield me from pain.

She made it possible for a little girl to experience kindness and compassion very first hand, her love was simple there, always available and unconditional, just like her own presence, simply and humbly be, without any identification with the outside world. I was the most blessed girl in the world to have her shine her light into my shadows. Those fragments of her have never left, those familiar beams of light live permanently within my aura. They continuously shine into every cell within me till today.

I often wonder what kind of person Vincent would be if I’d have the opportunity to watch him grow. He would be brave, kind, funny, smart, hard to understand, head in a different realm, incredibly wise, generous, and compassionate. He chose a sick body to come into this world, and he put up with an enormous amount of suffering and pain from the very first breath of his life, with nothing but love and mercy. He came here with nothing but love, he chose to leave with nothing but love. I don’t know his Devine life purpose, but he has been and is nothing but Devine for me. That alone, is a whole universe unlocked within me. His manifestation as my son, has been shining Devine lights into every corner within this universe, corners which are vulnerable and beautiful, but also corners which had never seen any light in any lives ever before. I’m more than grateful to be his invisible mother and student.

He also, lives in me eternally and guides me on, like he has never been away.

25th, May is Vincent’s 1st birthday. I know I wouldn’t be able to write anything up on that day, because I have a birthday cake to bake and new flowers to plant.

Sat Nam.

Humanity within You

0

I am usually not an Apple fan.

In Ginza, the busiest district in Tokyo, my daughter and Vincent took me upstairs to use the restroom in an Apple store, and decided to sit down at their cinema to watch what was on.

They and Apple popped me a bit more open.

The short movies were typically liberally Americanized. All races, all genders, all ages, all modifications of physical capabilities.

We are the same. We are one. We all love the Apple technology which brings us closer.

Undoubtedly true. On an individual level. We long to be no different than others. We long to belong. We long to express the best of ourselves.

But earth is an interesting place. We chose to come in different facades. Colors. Genders. Sexual preferences. Various density and collective characteristics of cultures. Families.

I imagine some of the choices are accumulated preferences of our past lives, as I myself have been different Asians for many lives, some are goals undone or still room left to work on, some are just purely “hey let’s try this one this time and see the world from that angle, how about being burnt alive for just being Tibetan?”

Then here we are. The veil is suddenly there. Life seems so unfair. Unfair for those who seems to have been dealt with shit cards, unfair for those where everything is just so perfect, so perfect that they have to build a wall mentally and physically to protect the God-sent hand of cards.

Then the accumulated imprints and cultural density kick in. They are bad. We are not. He did that. I am just the way I am. What we have came here to work on left from past lives, and even in this life – prejudices against other cultures, genders, races; Inclined self-esteem; fear, lots of fear of water, animals, sounds, height; denial; jealousy out of self protection; greed; projections..they all suddenly work not in favor of us, but we have to constantly work against them to stay sane and feel a tat sheltered in this crazy crazy world.

I don’t agree segregation is the answer. But that is a political issue so out of control that it is simply handed to one or two souls’ free will and flooded with support out of fear.

But unity first comes from within. It is the harmony between your soul and your current physical body, and the respect from the rest of you to the soul’s past lives lived and experienced. You are strong, you are male, you got your education, you live in civilization where clean water comes from your direct house, you got the package. You were black. You were a female slave. You were a soldier. You were a witch. You were persecuted with an ax. Your current sense of superior doesn’t only sadden the rest of the world, but it hurts the rest of you, which an abundance of wisdom and suffering.

You come from a less favored race, you are discriminated for your gender, you feel no one likes you just for what you are like from the outside. Your currently status and how it is perceived by others, who are also on their unique journey, doesn’t grand you the permission to treat yourself and others with no boundaries such as the classic “I’m xxx and all xxx do this, accept it or you are not my friend” or high walls of a totally closed up heart.

So many lights traveled, so many lives lived, yet they seem to be wasted. Life lessons are tricky and hard, sometimes they don’t make sense at all, and I think I can as well just live it to my fullest awareness to love, then the rest doesn’t matter.

The oneness is within each one of us, the love needs to be first spread within self love, and then we would really learn and experience how it feels to love someone or something that is so fundamentally different yet so close.

The message really is so there yet so overlooked: Different is the one thing about us that is always the same.

The truth is we don’t see things the same, the power is we don’t see things the same.

We all came here to be a part of it, to make the world a more powerful place. Why not use it, since we are already here anyways?

Humanity is plural, not single. And that starts with respecting literally all humanity within each of us. They dance like a river within you and surrounding you, with mind-blowing grace and light.