A hug for my soul

A journey of grieving and healing after child loss

To our Fathers


I am more than lucky and grateful to have found a teacher in this physical realm who inspires me to reflect, renew and respect all forces including myself.

Yesterday’s lesson was about the formation of a complete and grounded human being.

The mother brings the child into the world. She provides her with a nest for the physical body, fuel to grow strong and to fend off diseases and a shelter to hide and heal.

The parents co-existence in the first two years of her life makes her feel not only secure but also well-fed and attended, prepares her to be a content and satisfied being for the further steps.

The father’s role comes later, when the child’s basic needs are met and is feeling safe to explore. The mother fades into a second place, as a solid background and continuously a hiding place, while papa takes her to play, explore, have all the fun and make all the mistakes, teaches her skills to regulate her emotions and think logically, it is the beginning of a chid’s best childhood memories – pure empowerment to become a functional and wonderful being, sturdy and sane enough to make peace with this earth experience, eager to settle down and be all in it.

What a perfect design and a fantastic wish. Humans are humane. We experience all sorts of emotions and react to experiences that passively and actively happen to us, we make choices which bring in new rounds of karma. Actions, feelings, reactions – all choices based on different levels of consciousness and unconsciousness. This certainly includes our fathers. Fathers are humans. Humans make mistakes and react to triggers. That’s how we learn and hopefully expand. However this understanding doesn’t exclude an imprint of lack and coldness into our solar plexus, where we store our memories about our father and experiences of self-empowerment.

Most of us walk around not realizing where our intentions are from and are directed. The solar plexus is grumpily pumping the vibe of having been mistreated into other instinctual parts of our bodies, the mouth speaks no truth but how much lacking we feel from our guts, the brain comes up with strategies to overcompensate what’s been thought to be true. We act irrational and insecure by attacking and coming up with all reasons to be right, we beg for love and attention in the adult way – through offering something or someone, through sugarcoating the despair not to admit we have been forgotten, abandoned or ignored.

Beneath the surface of lacking, there’s an abundance of warmth. From both us and our fathers. It probably needs both our mindfulness to be reactivated and shine its blinding light again, but it begins with your own light. The beam of light that can never be dimmed or abandoned. The magical powder to spice your life up, the last solution to turn this soup of life into an enrichment to the collective human energy.

Pump that into our fathers’ hearts. This love is pure and unconditional, not because it came and stayed the perfect way as theoretically described above, but because it has gone through some of the most humane experiences, be it the failure of protection, be it lacking attention, be it the loss of communication, be it one of our choices of reaction or non-reaction to a certain trigger, its abysmal content and depth is not here only to serve the purpose of experiencing human emotions, but to be transmuted into a love that is purer than a flowing river.

Your father’s river needs your love to flow. He is worth that much and more. Just like your did.

Empower yourself like I did. Speak and act authentically. This is the ultimate lesson our fathers are here to teach us.

Sat Nam.

People of the Sun


Sitting at my mother’s house, I lean my head backwards so my whole face gets to bathe in the blinding winter highland sun.

UV, UVA, warmth, life’s wonders, I got some back.

The house is different, people who live in it are different, the mentality of just chilling out and doing nothing is different, all outside circumstances have changed. The young woman is grown, the mother is getting old, the youngest girl wonders why winter can be so warm, yet they are all here. People of the sun.

Some fear its power, I miss its magic.

A warm bath or shower by the water heated by sunlight like the old days smells like the rawness of nature, mixed with the mystery of its travels and those it has spoken to. It touches my skin like grandma’s rough palms, and cradles the frozen winter kidneys with its feminine force of nurture. All cleansed. Next come tears, tears of joy and release.

Lots agree that the sun represents the infinite father figure – ambitious and authoritative. I grew up in the state of sunshine, had the luck to be nurtured by its warmth into the heart and the lives it brought with to build my body strong.

Rising up with the sun brings a lovely day; Taking a nap in the mid-day sunshine melts a frozen heart; Retreating and staying put when the sun hides behind thick clouds prevents insanity; Doing your washing and letting it dry in the sun is like inviting a hundred fluffy puppies into your garden; Tea, gardening and sun-dried hair? The soul sitting comfortably at home.

In all aspects, the sun brought me up like a grandmother, a mother and a guardian goddess. She has shaped my soul to be soft and warm, she taught me to be kind yet firm, she reminds me of my true essence when I’m depressed and hopeless, she has always been sturdy, graceful, powerful and enduring. I love how feminine yet strong it has made me, I am proud that when I need to rest and reset, she has always got my back, literally with her warm hugs.

Some see her more as a seasonal vacation, an instant glow, an attempt to nature’s secrets, or a validation of leisure and luxury of time. The sun is more than that. She has always been there, quietly yet gracefully, keeping all running their courses, knowing when and where she should make an appearance or hide, lighting up pathways for the lost and providing sanctuaries for the hurt. Where she shined its light into, love awakes; where she hides, you know it is okay to just surrender, sometime soon the next sunrise comes.

When you impatiently whine about what comes next, she lovingly tells you to take one step at a time.

It is the love of the mother.

Even when you feel your mother has abandoned you, far far away behind the clouds, she is there; even if your mother no longer has a physical body, so close to your core, her light shines, her warmth lingers.


To the sun. To those who are blessed to have mothers and those who miss their mothers in heaven. To the suns which shine so bright in our hearts.

A beautiful translation of the Japji


London Pride


In London. In a ‘I gotta see it again before our London pride is forever gone’ state of mind.

Strolling around the old hood, listening to the same music.

The old pub is the same busy with grumpy lads and apologetic ‘kitchen having a nightmare’ waitress. Uber drivers have a new sense of Brexit humor and wisdom.

And I think of walls. Walls nations build to visualize differences and an unsatisfied ego. Walls we build inside crying for healing and possibilities. They don’t segregate people or love. They segregate the earthly self and the higher self, yet what everyone needs is an inward hug.

A hug of surrender. A hug of acceptance. Surrender to what is beyond your control. Acceptance of when something tragic happens, like losing a baby, it is a calling to expand with imperfection, pain and grace.

When you allow yourself to be hurt and feel defeated a little, there’s a little life in there.

When you start to live a little, there’s life everywhere.

Magical Moments


Hi from this gorgeous water.

Jumping dolphins, gliding yellow and purple, gods and goddesses hopping around the mountains, and the crystal clear ocean.

We sit there, half meditating half chatting, wondering what it would be like when the next little soul decides to enter this realm through us.

Then I felt fear. As the very first time I fell off the surf board entering the water of unknown threats. How far away are the sharp reef from my bare face? What if a shark decides to check out near shore for lunch? The board fin is way too big and sharp. The next set of waves are definitely gonna smash me onto the invisible reef soon! And where the F is my lease!

I sat there on the beach watching the rest of the team ‘struggle’ in the waves, bitching about how cold the water was and how imperfect it was to have ruined my day.

Staring into the water almost not able to breath, I then was guided to think about the first time I caught my first green wave a few years ago. That stillness of gliding back into the present, was like…the most profound meditation full of visions, and a hundred dolphins dancing in my chest. It was my very first egoistic spirituality, and my first spiritual egoism coming together.

The magical moments. He says. Every moment we had Vincent in my belly was a moment of pure wonder and joy for us all. How we made fun of his penis in the ultrasound shot, the warmth we had in our hearts painting his room blue and picking up his first toy, the whispers on my belly before bed every night, his little feet kicking my belly at musicals and stand-ups, shows and dances, laughing out jars off with friends sharing our birthing experiences, sharing with our daughter that there was life growing within our family…he is so beautifully right, we have been blessed with all those truly magical moments which we wouldn’t trade for the world. They were not up to manipulation or control, it was just as pure as how life is, just be. I guess when it comes to day to day life, child baring is more complex than just catching waves and counting magical moments, but when you really stay within the moment, there is stillness, nothingness and everything yellow and purple, dolphins and grace.

And something also fascinating: Most spiritual teaching say there is no past or future, the present is the only tangible reality. Somehow, when everything becomes magical, even the past can be revisited, and there is pure sweetness and gratitude.

Thank you all for the precious teaching and amazing energy.

The Journey Continues


Hello from the trip that continues. And happy birthday to Yogi Bhajan.









Waheguru to yourself, Stillness to the Universe


My friend S had cancer. Her medical team found it out when I was pregnant with Vincent two years ago and took all parts affected out of her. She then went through a horrendous time with chemo and conventional plus alternative treatments, I saw her suffer and wither. With Vincent in my womb gently kicking and turning around, I could not on earth imagine that my 28-year-old stunning, graceful, smart and sexy S, would never be able to bare her own kids, her beautiful breasts would be at potential risk and that she and her family had to live everyday like the last day.

Then one year later, one hour after I got into the hospital to give birth to Vincent with my favorite birthing tote, I was told the baby might not be healthy. I pushed him out as quickly as I could on the birthing bed with no thoughts yet every thought in my head, and rushed to the children’s hospital he was transferred to right after, with a river of blood gushing out of me, no thoughts yet every thought. I lived everyday in a dream, a nightmare I always checked early morning and wished were nothing but a dream during those two months in the intensive care unit.

Her cancer reoccurred in June this year after having been cancer free for a while.

Except for thinking how unfair it is, surprisingly I also think of a lot of things. I think how amazing a journey it has been and continues to be for her and all who are affected. I looked at her photos and updates every now and then, sometimes just seeing her face all lit up next to her boyfriend or her carrying herself effortlessly in a gorgeous dress with drinks in her hand made my day. I became one of her very first consulting clients, a career and passion she discovered through cancer, I spent not one second fearing how unspeakably hard her life would be with cancer, but instead feeling lifted a little and encouraged every single day after that night giving birth in the hospital. I still don’t know why her cancer came back, yet as weird as it sounds, it is a message, a beam of light, a story of love resurfacing in disguise. It is not an enemy, no devil, but one of the deepest form of self love, and somehow she so courageously chose and is capable of taking herself seriously again through this manifestation, with the people she chose, at this point of this life. I don’t know what surfaces for her this time, what unfolds in my eyes through her, is a valley full of white blossoms, and a beautiful girl dancing and indulging in grace.

As modern trauma experts say, bad things do happen to good people. And if it is so bad, that your ego mind thinks he has found an answer, which is you must have been bad to deserve something that bad. When this answer pushes all your venerable buttons and dissolves your very core, go deeper. The pain, the buttons and the identified core are the uncountable layers of your acquired thinking patterns and imprints, by allowing the pain you stroke through the layers, with the most powerful healing energy you can get: Your own forgiveness and love. They don’t stand there as obstacles unless you tell them that’s their place, they are parts of you who need to be attended, stroked and healed. The ego says no no the world has to be tangible and quantifiable so I can get started at fixing things for you, but the layers wrapping your truest essence, they won’t quiet down or at least take a break unless you at least admit they are also you, and you are also them. Your ego will do the things he is truly a master of, like getting you a hiding place in a mass shooting, or reinforcing the idea of dumping plastic into the ocean is stupid.

Let them be challenged, let them be heard, let them be shaken, let them be dissolved. Deep deep down, there’s a miraculous creature, so delicate and so shy, looking back at you. She is there patiently just being, not expecting but just loving, for you to get one step closer to her no matter if it takes one lesson, one person, one life, or hundreds of them. There must be a purpose behind or none at all, but if there’s even the slightest chance for the abundance of love and fortune through these journeys, in which you eventually appreciate the beauty of surrendering, through which you eventually awake to the truth that you are your ultimate abundance of love and fortune, that you are your true protector and child. If this time you didn’t manage to, you are so patient and forgiving, that you have always agreed to work on that specific topic again, through different people and circumstances at the right time until you dive a tiny bit deeper, you have always allowed yourself to travel back to God’s arms and come back to this realm to repeat those tasks – I mean, experiences to feel the fullness of you. The universe always has your back, no matter sometimes on the surface how hopeless the situation is or how unfair fate seems to be. It has never changed its mind or moved places, just being, as the stillness you are able to experience once you fully surrender, one split second of Nirvana, gazillions of centuries of love.

I call that waheguru, I call that humanity.

So next time when you wish or pray, say Sat Nam, my true identity; Say waheguru, my miraculous soul. Health, relationships, money, reproduction, protection, you came with them already but didn’t get to them most of the time.

To S, to my goddess ladies who gave me unlimited inspirations to dance, sing, cry, love and create. To mom, I know what’s written above is channeled through you. To my miraculous soul and layers.

A Mercury Retrograde


Mercury is finally out of retrograde!

That was the first sentence I got from spirits today.

Then the second one comes.

Wait for it.

So everything you decide to do now is your own fault.

How truthful and how forgiving.

Three months of hardship and shit in your year? Why don’t you see them as three heart-to-heart with your inner child per year, 210 opportunities to grow in your life, and infinite strength within your soul?

It is a time to go outside first, and then go within. A lot of blocks are showing themselves, blocks you didn’t even know that ever existed, because underneath, your inner child craves to surface with all love and light. It is not easy to cleanse since it is not a body work which requires a week’s juice fasting plus 20 sessions in the gym, it is work for your ego and soul, your yin and yan, your shadows and light, because we are recycled souls in human form, because you are flawed yet so perfect, because something has to change for shifts to happen, yet there is no constant unchanged.

Let the buttons be pushed because they need to be recognized and acknowledged, push buttons so you remind yourself you have been stuck there again and again. Let the inner child feel it is safe to come out to play because he needs to be cuddled with love. Allow yourself to be the student sometime, thinking you are always the teacher takes away your chance to question and be kind outwardly and inwardly. Plus don’t just blame the mercury.

And happy yoga. All you who cross paths with me and find my blog here. And those who continue reading my blog, you yourself are a teacher with enormous amount of universal resources, benefiting those who cross paths with you with your unique wisdom and sufferings. May your student life be surrounded by an abundant amount of soulful bliss, forgiveness of yourself and others, and light guiding you home to love.

A Hug for Your Soul


Fellow bereaved parents, siblings and grandparents who have gone through and are still going through the same tragic loss like us, I’d like to share this update with you.

I lost my newborn to a currently unknown genetic disorder 10 months ago. His name is Vincent. He lived for 8 weeks and spent all his earthly life in the children’s intensive care unit. Through the past months I got to know other stories just as heartbreaking as ours, though all our stories are different and have unblocked journeys that are unique to us as individuals, I do wish this bit of my very own journey brings a warm hug to your grieving hearts.

My very first vision after Vincent’s death was through hypnosis. In my trip he was a handsome old man living alone in a house deep in the forest, northern, cold-weather forest. I had no idea why my half Chinese son’s soul who seemed to have such strong Buddhist sphere showed up as a white guy from the far north. Then after my husband’s grandma’s pass, which happened shortly after Vincent’s death, gave me one more piece of the puzzle.

While Vincent was in the hospital, grandma drove there almost every morning at 5am to stay by his side. One morning when I arrived, I saw that she held his tiny hand in hers, murmuring an old German lullaby, and his face said nothing but love.

They two had so much connection beyond words, and a big piece of me believes that Vincent was the baby boy grandma had lost more than 50 years ago, shortly after his birth, and in the old time she was not even allowed to see him nor hold him at all. He took a chance to come back to her, with no plans to stay long but only to feel her love and touch, and perhaps to guide her way back to the other side.

A Canadian lady told me these infants losses, manifested in various ways such as SID, miscarriages and still born, are souls making a trip to earth with the purpose to feel unconditional love. They might have been kids taken out by their parents from the womb or shortly after birth, because of their gender i.e. for being female in certain cultures, or because of poverty. Their only purpose for this life was to find a couple, or a parent who would love them not because but despite.

Then I thought about my sibling I never got to meet in this life. My mum told me long ago she had an abortion when I was very little, because of the one-child policy in the 90s. I cannot imagine what kind of pain she and her whole generation had to endure, or how much of the pain body ever got acknowledged and released, I certainly remember missing a sibling especially when things were hard. I think of my brother or sister who never got to be born had came through me, with no agenda to stay long but a strong wish to be acknowledged, and an even stronger determination to feel my mum’s hug and kisses, hear my voice and even to annoy me a little, and get to know my current life situation.

A healer told me Vincent is one of my angels manifested through my pregnancy, he came to shift things for us; The angel lady Lorna told me he was not supposed to stay but he had a message for us, which was to know we are loved and protected always; My kundalini house mate H said Vincent’s last reincarnation was to just be in my womb; My yoga classmate Isa said perhaps he needed the experience for his spiritual evolution. A friend thinks Vincent’s here for the unknown genetic disorder to be discovered and studied like what is really happening with his case now in a research group. They all have touched my heart with so much sincerity and compassion.

Whichever one it is, or none above, it was Vincent’s own plan. My subconscious would like it to be a story so brilliant and significant, for the attempt to compensate my profound loss, but it is none of my business. My role here is to go into a deeper level of love through my grief, awaken what I came here with and for, and thank Vincent for his teaching.

Isa also said the souls have agreed or decided for its life to be that way from the other realm, before reincarnation, while the other souls involved have agreed to that. It seems crazy to have agreed to such a tragic death and loss for both parties from an earthly-bounded perspective, but once we enter this world, we forget about it all and all we focus on is the mind’s search for justification and the unbearable pain.

That resonates so deeply with me. This theory, yet still being a theory (since none of us have the whole picture but some are lucky enough to get a glimpse), has made me feel less alone in the attempt to just trust my soul and allow it to flow. Most spiritual authors and mediums say the soul has a very different perspective from another realm, despite the amount of mediumship and medical books and speeches I’ve inhaled in these past months, I’m grateful that I’m learning to release my mind from anger and the urgency for whys, and to allow my soul to take the driver’s seat.

My soul says she embraces all of it, the vast, grand and fascinating life, since the beginning of all things.

I’m turning 32 tomorrow, last year on the same day I still had Vincent on my chest hooked to his beeping machines. He will still be beeping the strongest beat one year after, even closer to my heart.