A hug for my soul

A journey of grieving and healing after child loss

The Physical body of a Teacher

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In the Aquarian Teacher’s manual, the Ten Bodies are talked about. It was a fun experience for me to sit in class and wait for the next slide, guessing the key words of the next Body.

When it came to the fifth Body, the physical body, the tutor said: Teacher.

Hmm, isn’t that obvious, I thought. We are here to train our bodies to teach aren’t we? Then we moved to the arch line, the subtle, those which are intangibly much more fun to talk about.

So I thought about living by presenting myself as a teacher, by doing my Sadhana, by being a vegetarian, by regulating my life listening to my body.

Then in China I am often stunned by how people focus on the body, how they appear to others and how easily people are influenced by any comment to satisfy the not-so-gently-fed ego. At first it felt like an awareness of taking care of the body by drinking the right kind of tea, by avoiding particular types of food which represent fire, if you have already too much fire, by retreating to resting when women have their moon; Then comes in the crazed pursuit of a collective decision of what is beautiful and acceptable: endless plastic surgeries to heighten the nose bridge and cheeks, enlarge the eyes, fat reduction, bleach the skin, narrow the face and many more ‘beauty packages’ which sounded like a pleasant spa treatment, being placed in the elevator of residential buildings right next to the other commercials to ‘fix things’.

At dinners or just by sitting around randomly, I hear my family talk about how my body is not as nice as before, how I don’t look thin and fare like they wish me to be. Daily talks usually start with if a person looks nice and slim, and women are praised for starving herself after kids into her old pants.

That is deeply offensive and hurtful. To me and I thought, humans. My heart cried. Nobody cared what my amazing body went through and is still going through by baring a baby, birthing a baby, nursing a baby, caring for an ICU baby and grieving for losing a baby. No one said a word about what my body did and still is doing for me. It was straight on my face, you have put on weight and why don’t you wear something nice.

The more often it happened the more it guided me into my consciousness through the physical body- a teacher’s body.

Teach.

What should I teach?

Teach why you love your body and why it doesn’t need fixing.

Hmm. You might wanna sit down for this.

I love how strong it was for supporting my two kids to grow inside of me; I love how badass it was to go through such traumatic birth with me, never giving up; I love how adaptive it is to support my every passion and hobby like Pilates and yoga; I love how free it makes me feel every time I hop into water or dance like a river; I love how wise it is for silently being there as the temple of my soul and my sorrow, pulling me through all darkness and jumping with me in pure joy. I love every stretch mark on my belly, I love my hurting heaps and hips, I love my love handle, I love my pained heart, I love my ultra strong arms when I carry my kids, I love the sun my skin was able to get for me and I am disappointed when I gradually lose that tan, I love the change in and around my eyes which carry the years lived, I even love the bliss my grieving for losing my old body was able to get me to. It is generously open to my soul so I am honored to feel its pain and sorrow; It is vigorously honest with my ego so I know what doesn’t feel good and when to stop; It loves me unconditionally so when I fell, it always got me, firm and steady.

I share my experience here but this deep imbalance of the physical body and refusal of teaching is not unique in only one culture, gender, age group or ethnicity.

If a human doesn’t love his own body but thinks all needs fixing, I guess the whole Ten Bodies must suffer greatly together with the poor physical body’s grief of not being appreciated, the person himself first feels the unexplainable negativity: jealousy, anger, insecurity. Then the whole projection is spread to others, and all-the archline, the aura, the soul, the positive negative neutral, the subtle bodies..are never given any chance to meet each other’s true essence, nor to grieve hand in hand for all their pains, or celebrate the wholesome and balance of this amazing journey they are on altogether.

I am hurting for my hurt and mourning for the whole society’s obsession to spread the hurt, then I realize perhaps not long ago I was unconsciously one of those judgmental voices of my own body and many others’. And now I am trusted to be given the role as a teacher for the body.

If you are taught to constantly fix your body because it is not good enough, you hurting ego knows best that’s all bull; If you are already a teacher, perhaps, what those who trust you enough to hear what you say need is not fixing their posture or lose some weight, but to embrace and love their bodies, and Bodies like they are always loved by the latter.

Now I kinda get it:

Teach, teacher.

Your body is expansive, strong, to be taken care of, and fearless. Just like the rest of you.

Respect and love others’ bodies too.

Because they are your teachers.

Sat Nam.

Kia tere te kārohirohi i mua i tō huarahi

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Before I did my Sadhana today, there was the news of the Christchurch shooting. After a long day of emotional ups and downs, I could not just sit in my meditation and just wait to see the lovely white light shining though my third eye and let my soul dance like no one’s watching, tears came down even before I made it to sit on my mat.

The hearts of those who were praying to their God. The hearts of their family never getting them back home. The hearts of those who pray to Christianity in Christ Church, where the holy temple of Christ is.

I didn’t chant Sat Nam, instead my mind just needed to make sense of things which seem ridiculous, such as a human streaming mass shooting online. I thought about my role here, as small as my hurt ego, as big as if my prayer would even do anything for those who suddenly left the earth today, and those who are still struggling in the hospital for perhaps unfinished businesses.

Then suddenly spirits came in. It’s the guardian angels spreading their bright wings, taking the fresh spirits to fly back to the Source. It was a glimpse through my not m-so-deep meditation, into a world of I don’t-want-to-admit consciousness and wonder.

Then I cry for those who experience loss. Words that’s not done or said yet. Dinners never attended ever. My son never grown to fall into my arms or call me mama. I cry also for myself.

When there is loss, the loss is not yours only. It is bigger and deeper than just yours. The loss is not ours only, it is bigger than we can imagine with our human minds.

Two months ago when we were still in Christchurch, I took a picture of this Māori saying from the national museum.

Whenever there is loss, there is free will and a cross road given. By grieving the loss of others, we find way up there angels singing and deep down there compassion rising. By letting the fear of death guide the mind, way up there, in the temple of Christ, he loves you unconditionally anyways.

That’s what I think.

May the calm be widespread

May the sea glisten like Pounamu

May the shimmering light guide you on your journey

Let the Sunshine In

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We are now in China visiting family.

My family has been a showcase of all things beautiful: love, devotion, service and compassion for everyone’s place. My family is also an abyss full of darkness and ugliness: greed, conditional love, dependency and broken self-esteem.

I realize those everyday dramas still shake me emotionally: closed-off father, greedy uncle and aunt, and this thick projection of judgements that has been passed down through the cover of Culture. I also realize they don’t touch me at all, even by the most rejective broken heart, because I am reminded of my role here as a student of planet earth: everyone has free will and mine is to live with compassion.

Almost impossible to act compassionate when it concerns you yourself, the ego that is never told to get a rest and let the soul take charge, especially for egos tailored to suit a life that demands perfection and denies darkness.

However, the darkness is there. It is an essential part of us. It completes us. They are like broken-legged beasts crouching in far far away corners, forgotten yet never forgiven.

They are our aunts who took grandprenrs’ heritage away, they are our fathers who never shown any love, they are our siblings who don’t talk to us again, they are our mothers who prefer the sons.

They are these pieces of our souls that are wrapped up by shame and guilt, and they were suppressed by ourselves and thrown to holes and corners that are far far away. We don’t allow them to voice nor have ever accepted them as parts of us, but they are undeniably there, living in utterly despair. Desperate to be seen, desperate to be accepted, and desperate to be embraced.

It is painful to even just experience those unpleasantness, not to mention to look deeper than the presence of each of them, it is shameful to be associated to them, be it a particular person or a particular behavior, because you feel not loved by them, or you perceive your way of love is better than theirs, though when you really allow your soul to guide your mind to look deeper, there’s someone and something distinctively individual hurting and lurking to be seen.

We are the greedy aunts and unloving fathers, we are the judgmental mothers and ignorant siblings. Or their shadows are the nightmares of what we fear to become.

We are also collectively much much more than that.

Shine the light of love and compassion in. How can you realize your soul’s greatness if the darkness is denied its light? Your darkness awaits you to be truly you, to experience the pain and bliss of true integrity, just as we are here to truly experience the essence of loss and of found.

I don’t know as any one of you, but I guess that is part of our work here to be human in every life we chose to come.

Shine your light to those who have forgotten as well, especially those with whom you are in denial of, but consulate your soul to set your boundaries, we are here to shine through and guide ways, not to be dimmed.

Be the Answer

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Singapore is full on.

I’m back to the confused mode, almost dizzy and hyper all the time, exploiting all conveniences a highly functional society can provide. Plastic bags have been thrown away, hawker food have been wolfed down, and I felt severely under-dressed altering around my only two dresses and spaghetti tops.

Yet some gentle okayness is flowing around the corner. A taxi ride can be my special teaching time. A Hindu driver whose teacher is a Muslim Indian shared his gods, meditation rituals with me and read my palm.

“It is your luck to sit next to me, lady. It is my luck to share my teaching with you.”

“Suffering is not meant to make you ask why. Suffering makes you the Answer. ”

B a Unicorn

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I met a unicorn in disguise.

B.

Soft, gentle but bright white light. With almost no shadows. How is that even possible. That’s what I thought of her when she first picked me up in training by talking about yoga mats.

B offered me to stay at her place the night after our kundalini training. So I guess unicorns read minds too.

She took me down to the beach to see this beautiful scene below. A double rainbow. She casually said a voice in her said there’s something I wanna see down the beach. Mama rainbow and baby rainbow. Then we sat in her car when time felt still and again sat in a restaurant until the owner’s kids really needed to go to bed.

And then I understood why I was to share her inner world and be bathed in her light at Byron. She said ‘Go now, enjoy your journey and adventure ahead. Maybe seven years ago you were just young and careless, now you’ll see a different corner of it’. Driving away from her and Byron Bay, I realized I am ready to release that hurt inner child from seven years ago when I first visited Byron, right at the same spot. Inhale Sat, exhale Nam.

She said I’m bringing wisdom to her, the truth for me is she opened me up so what’s inside can even start to flow, so I’m less scared to step away from the unicorn world and am a bit more confident about marching into the shadow world with universal grace and light.

How wise is that.

You also gently reminded me that I’m in the hearts and minds of my friends, those who don’t share my path the same way, but softly sending me prana to carry on, holding my feet to be grounded into this realm, and just loving me unconditionally.

Thank you B unicorn babe. Thank you Vincent.

I See You Too

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Hello from Byron Bay.

This post is for S.

After our morning meditation, S came sat down next to me and we just hugged for a long time. We had tears in our eyes because our auras spoke to each other that morning. S is the other Asian woman in my class, petit but full of energy. Her 19-year-old son is doing the training with her, a student of Physicist, who gracefully integrates Kundalini into science.

S and I spoke about being Asian and growing up in that dense shame and fear based imprint,and the hardship and loneliness of being the rebels of our own cultures, suffering by wanting to listen to the voice from within instead.

Imprints. Patterns. Projections. These are the dense individual manifestations of wounds passed on by generations within a family, a culture, and a collective energy. Most of the time they are in disguise, and to meet those expectations or just to simply behave and not be different, we just took all of what’s thrown on us over, and carry other people’s stuff on without realizing. Some cultures promote shame. Shame of not being good enough. Shame because someone else needs to feel powerful. Some strip a person’s self esteem down, because that is making way for authority and attachments to come in. While the real integrity passed down from ancestor to ancestor might have been overlooked, which is so true and simple, and cannot be challenged by any sort of modern psychology: universal compassion and love, which is non-attachment, non-judgmental, and non-verbal.

It takes a tremendous amount of courage to confront that shadow within us. Painful and confusing when things are not that complicated, but super challenging when we try to parent. We are confronted with the shadows we have been battling with, and we are confronted further to identify what is the truth, how we want to raise our kids. Is it to live in avoidance and denial or is it to unconsciously submit to the imprints and projections, taking them as heritage and traditions or is it to embrace all that pain, and let light shine through, so that light can embrace our beautiful children?

My humble human understanding of our choices to reincarnate into such a body, family and culture is, simply humility and humanity. It is to dance like only you are watching on a piece of deserted land, and seeing the blinding beauty and bliss in that, just to celebrate life and our oneness. However, the moment we choose to embrace that wound in all of us, to unload the imprints, expectations and projections, to allow our souls to speak and dance, and stand truthfully in that integrity, in this life that’s of flesh and blood, something and someone truthful and beautiful will emerge.

It is very very confronting work, but I want to tell all mothers who are doing this work, what graceful and courageous warrior goddesses they are.

I see You too, S.

Blessed to be Me

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Hi from the Gold Coast in Australia.

Sitting in my very first Aquarian sadhana at 5:30 am, I certainly felt tired, at times almost nodding off onto my yoga mat.

Then it emerged.

It is not the conventional kundalini awakening people have been talking about, just throughout the mantras, I felt like crying. Not purely out of sadness, but gratitude.

The very beautiful soul of mine, most of the time being neglected and left alone, is surrounded by other beautiful beings.

My husband, my daughter, my son, my parents, my mother-in-law.

They courageously chose me, took my hand, and showed me different expressions of love that are available on Mother Earth, step by step. Some of them come straightforwardly with the highest purity, like a bear hug that can press all the breath out of your body; Some took curved ways, in disguise even, throwing the ego at a cross road, waiting for the wisdom of the soul. That’s the soul group manifesting the journey for a young soul to experience.

To love is to accept unconditionally, to love is to allow, to love is to release, to love is to embrace. The waves of love hit me out of the blue, very much like what waves grief do, only that love waves linger, melting the tears into nourishing elixir for the cells.

Wha-hay Guroo wha-hay Guroo

Wha-hay Guroo wha-hay Jeeo

It means ‘oh my soul, indescribable wisdom’.

Oh your souls, indescribable wisdom.